25 Lies Men Are Told | Page 4

his shock upon discovering later that she's been telling all her friends what a
geek he is, but he does drive a cool car, so s he supposes she'll keep stringing him along until she
meets a "real" man. Besides, he spends oodles of money on her.
12. I'll love you forever: [TRANSLATION - I'll put up with you until a better deal comes along.]

The problem here is, once again, one of perception. Men tend to think "forever" means from this
point onward until the end of time. Women, on the other hand, think of "forever" in terms similar to
the television season - thirteen weeks and you can start fresh. Exactly how long "forever" is
depends entirely on the depth of his pocke ts and the state of her moods.
13. I have to work late: [TRANSLATION - I'm having an affair with my boss.] If you start hearing\

this one a few months, or even a few weeks, after you begin the relationship, better pack your
shorts and make tracks. If she has to choose between you or her job (and, by association, her
boss), it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who will come out the loser. Best to cut your
losses and get on with your life before she gets the both the house and your savings account.
14. I have to go out of town on business: [TRANSLATION - I'm having an affair with someone
from out of town, OR, I'm going on a trip with my boss, with whom I'm having an affair.] Same
advice as above. The best way to gauge how much time you have before she gives you the
heave-ho is to keep close tabs on how often these little trips take place. When they get to be a
weekly event, it's time to boogie. If you wait too long, you run the risk of coming home to find your
clothes in a heap in the front yard and someone else in your side of the\
bed.
15. Love me, love my pet: This is a classic. The pet may be anything from a horse right down to
a guppy, but whatever genus it is, it will almost certainly serve as a very large buffer zone
between you and any relationship you may try to foster. In truth, she'll hold the pet in much higher
esteem than she ever will you. It isn't that much of a stretch from trying to hug her while a snarling
Rottweiler sits between you on the sofa to her calling you to ask if you'd be a sweetheart and look
in on Adolph while she goes on her honeymoon. That's a good boy!
16. What's mine is yours: [TRANSLATION - What's mine is always going to be mine and what's
yours soon will be as well.] Any man who belie ves this one might as well hand over his bank
account to the first person he spots on the str eet. If you choose to marry a woman who already
owns a home, do yourself a favor and buy a new house together. If you decide to live in her
house, or if she refuses to buy another one with you, you might as well accept the fact that it will
always be her house and you will always be a Johnny-C ome-Lately. If she has kids at home, your
problems are compounded by a quantum leap. You will become an unpaid maintenance/clean-
up/bill payer. If you're lucky, you might even hav e sex privileges for a while. If she's in an
especially generous mood, she might even allow you some closet space. Enter only those rooms
you have permission to enter and never spend excessi ve amounts of time in the bathroom, on the
telephone or in the kitchen (unless of course you're washing the dishes). WARNING: Do not,
under any circumstances, violate the privacy or in any way attempt to alter the lifestyles of her
kids. This is the Kiss of Death for any relations hip and a sure ticket to divorce court, if not a
charge of child abuse. Proceed with caution.
17. I need my space: [TRANSLATION - Come within twenty feet of me and I'll scream rape - OR \
- I found someone else whom I want in my space in stead of you.] This is the Mother of All Lies
and almost certainly means adios the moment you hear it. You can safely assume that any or all
of the other lies we've discussed are already being bandied about if you get the "I need my
space" scenario. She wants