25 Lies Men Are Told | Page 6

she's already got the ticket and the Ports of Call Agenda safely tucked
away somewhere.
22. I think of you as a big brother: [TRANSLATION - You've got about as much chance of
getting into my pants as a tourist in Queens has of not getting mugged.] This one is similar to the
"Friend" lie, except that you won't even hav e the dubious pleasure of an occasional evening
alone with her. The second you hear the "Big Brot her" speech, you might as well prepare yourself
to be on the receiving end of numerous phone calls asking for advice on \
how to deal with the bad
habits of all the men in her life. Since she does acknowledge that you are a man, she figures you
must know what makes them tick and are more t han willing to share that information with her.
She'll introduce you to each and every new squeeze and will never understand why you aren't
simply bubbling over with enthusiasm over her happi ness. She may realize you are a male, but it
is completely beyond her realization that you mi ght have any feelings toward her beyond that of
protector and advisor. Move on, ya big lug ya, and don't forget to write.
23. I want you to be successful: [TRANSLATION - I sure as hell don't want to have to struggle
along on your crappy salary for the rest of my life, so you'd better get out there and make enough
to support me in the style to which I'm entitled.] Th is little ditty is usually uttered not long after she
meets someone wealthier than you are, and who, by the by, IS able to give her all the goodies
she believes she's entitled to. This particula r fib is only heard early on in a reasonably happy
relationship. If the relationship is longer term , this fib is almost always supplanted by:

24. I'm holding you back: [TRANSLATION - Our paperboy probably makes more money than
you do, you loser, so I'm going to let you live in the sewer by yourself while I go for the gold.] If
you hear this one, you can bet your bottom dollar that she's already got your replacement picked
out and will be sunning herself on his new deck boat before the ink is dry on the divorce papers.
Of course, that won't stop her from showing up at the property settlement phase to stake her
claim on everything except the clothes on your back, and she'll get those if you're anywhere close
to the same size. REMEMBER: All the good intent ions in the world cannot possibly make up for
being average in the wage department. Unless you s uddenly win the lottery, there's a CEO with
your significant other's name on him waiting in the wings.
25. I really want to know what's on your mind: [TRANSLATIONS: 1. Let's see you weasel your
way out of this one, buddy; 2. I already know what you're thinking; 3. I already have your opinion
in mind, so don't even try telling me anything else; 4. As if I really give a damn about your opinion.
I just need a good fight.] This is the Big Enchil ada. There is absolutely no way any man can
escape from this one unscathed. Nine times out of ten, she's been thinking about this for the
better part of the day and already has worked out what your answer better be. You, of course,
don't have a clue what that answer is, but if she doesn't hear it flow from your lips verbatim,
you've had it. No matter what you say, or how si ncere you are in saying it, it will be the wrong
thing to say. Your best defense is to try to give her the answer she wants, no matter how far from
the truth it may be. She will expect you to lie any way, so you might as well do so in self defense
and you just might escape with your gonads in tact. WARNING: NEVER, EVER tell any woman,
with the possible exception of your mother, what is really on your mind, particularly if doing so
might reveal to her your deepest feelings. If you do this, you will be from that point forward her
prisoner. She will own you, lock, stock and alimony. The only thing worse than a woman scorned
is a woman who knows your innermost secrets. If you believe she won't use those secrets
against you in some future dispute, I have some prime real estate in Florida to show you.
Well,