25 Lies Men Are Told | Page 3

and she suddenl y decides to re-evaluate your offer. If the
"washing my hair" story had even a ring of tr uth to it, the owners of American shampoo
companies would now be the wealthiest human bei ngs on the planet, considering the fact that
every female under 35 has the cleanest hair in Christendom. Women over 35, on the other hand,
must by necessity stop washi ng their hair four times a day because their 22 hour a day work
schedules and the numerous daily visitors they welc ome into their homes simply don't leave them
enough time for hair care. Perhaps the most interesting of all experiences associated with this fib
is seeing the woman whose [Aunt, Grandmother, et al.] is supposedly coming to visit out for a
swinging night on the town. As tempting as it may be, avoid the temptation to inquire as to how
her Aunt or whomever feels about being left all alone in a strange town while she parties hearty.
Doing this may provide you with momentary sati sfaction, but can also have long-lasting negative
effects, such as giving you a reputation as being cold-hearted. It is perfectly acceptable for
women to be cold-hearted vis-a-vis men, but it is absolutely not permissible for men to come
across this way. The "I can't go out tonight " lie is one of the most popular among women
because, by modifying the lie to fit the proper age level and associated lifestyle, women can use it
throughout their lives with equal effectiveness.
8. It's my time of the month: [TRANSLATION - I can't think of anything better to use as an
excuse at the moment and I KNOW this one will wo rk.] This fib might be believable if the woman
was savvy enough not to use it for six straight weeks. Women understand completely the fear
and loathing men have about touching anyone during their time of the month and play it to the
hilt. However, they sometimes fail to realize t hat many men are also able to read a calendar and
have the ability to count beyond the number of beers in a six- pack. It's a scientific miracle most
of them haven't bled to death by the time they r each age 40 if their time of the month lasted as
long as they would have us believe.
9. Not tonight. I [have a headache, am too tire d, am too sick, am not in the mood, am too
hot, am too cold... select your own]: Several translations for this one: "The other guy I'm
seeing has one the size of a utility pole, so why s hould I waste my time with you; I can't stand the
idea of any man getting that much pleasure fr om my body; I don't like having to wash dried
semen off my stomach afterwards; I hate faking i t; the kids might hear; I'll miss Jay Leno." This fib
is heavily weighted toward married women. Single women, unless they want to remain single
women, don't want to use this one too much lest they'll lose out on a potential divorce settlement
at some future date. Since women believe that men have nothing but sex on their minds most of
the time, they have learned to use sex as a lure. Up to the moment you slip that ring onto her
finger, she's a willing partner. Once she's married, however, the need for using sexual favors to
obtain security is no longer necessary and you'll begin hearing variations of this particular lie.
Having been cut off from your source of sexual release and all the closeness women claim men
lack, you are left with four choices: masturbation, hookers, an affair or celibacy. Which you select
depends on your level of bravery.
10. Size doesn't matter. It's how you use it: [TRANSLATION - In your dreams, Shorty.] Unless
you have one that can make her gag from the insi de, you run the risk of complete humiliation the
first time she sees you naked. If she keeps a tape measure next to her bed, your best bet is to
run and not walk to the nearest exit, unless of cour se you can max out the tape. If you can't, it's a
safe bet she knows someone who can.
11. I like you just the way you are: [TRANSLATION - You're a total dweeb anyway, so why
should I bother trying to help you improve?] This one is particularly dangerous because at first it
sounds so innocent. The luckless recipient of this little white lie may actually believe the woman
likes him. Imagine