Watch Yourself Go By | Page 5

permit, suppressing another upheaval of his stomach
with greatest effort.
Notwithstanding the objects mentioned were Ed. Hurd's best
three-for-a-cent stogies, and "Al-f-u-r-d" had smoked less than four of
the six inches of one of the big, black cigars, the stub of which he had
buried near the spot where Lin found him, it was several days before he
took kindly to food, or, as was generally supposed, had wholly thrown
off the baneful effects of the tomato poisoning.
While convalescing, afternoon walks were taken near home, circling
the Episcopal Church, back through the old, green graveyard, or a little
lower down the hill where the village boys could be seen and heard
swimming and splashing in the river. To take part in this sport, to get to
the river, to plunge into its cooling depths, "Al-f-u-r-d" had a
soul-yearning, even more powerful than that of the old well. But he had

been sworn, bribed, placed upon his honor and threatened with dire
tortures, should he even venture nearer the river than the top of the hill.
The yearning would not down. It grew in intensity. He would stand on
the front rail of his trundle bed, night and morning, with arms extended
above him, palms together, to dive, to split the imaginary water, take a
header into the soft, downy tick; then thresh his arms about in
swimming fashion as he had seen the big boys cavort in the river.
Nearer and nearer to the river his newest allurement carried him, until
one day he found himself on a strange path leading into a large yard in
which stood a neat, white house, with green blinds. Purling at his feet,
bubbling from an invisible source, was a brook of clear, cold water.
Very cold it felt to his bare feet as he waded up and down over it's
sandy, pebbly bed, the water reaching barely to his ankles. Wading
nearer to the fountain head, the depth gradually increased. Here was
young hopeful's long-sought-for opportunity to dive, swim and
otherwise disport himself as did the big boys. Off came pantalets, waist
and undercoverings, through the pure, cold water he waded. With teeth
chattering and flesh quivering, holding his hands above his head, under
he went.
He was having the time of his life, and so busy was he at it that his
attention was not attracted by the opening of a door in the nearby white
house and the sudden appearance of an elderly, grim-looking woman
behind a pair of gold-rimmed spectacles; brandishing a long, swinging
buggy whip, with broad, bright bands here and there along its length.
Rushing toward the boy, she angrily shouted:
"You little scamp, I'll skin ye alive!"
"Al-f-u-r-d," with a cry, bounded from the water, grabbed for his
clothes, missed them, and started on a race at a pace that left no doubt
as to the winner. A big dog and another elderly woman--the counterpart
of her-behind-the-spectacles--joined in the chase, the dog's deep bays
greatly accelerating the already beat-all-record-time of the terrified
"Al-f-u-r-d."

As he neared the parental roof, he let out a series of yells with
"Mother!" "Lin!" "Help!" "Murder!" sandwiched between. The nearer
he drew, the louder the yelps, for he knew he would need sympathy,
even though the gold-rimmed glasses and the other elderly pursuer had
been distanced by many lengths.
Lin said when she first heard the screams, she "thought it was only the
old crazy woman under the hill havin' another spell. But when they
come gittin' nearer an' nearer, she knew it was "Al-f-u-r-d" an'
somethin' turrible had happened." It was then Lin, mother and several
neighboring females rushed to the front door as "Al-f-u-r-d" flew in at
the gate, up the path and into his mother's outstretched arms,
endeavoring to pull her apron about his nudity.
"Where's your clothes?" demanded the frightened mother. "Where are
they?" "Who took them off you?"
"She did! She did!" howled "Al-f-u-r-d," jerking his head toward the
gate, just as the elderly woman behind the spectacles entered.
Trembling with fear she began to explain and apologize to Lin and the
mother, frequently turning to "Al-f-u-r-d" to entreat him to come to her,
assuring him that he need not fear her. But the big buggy whip, with the
silver bands, dangled above his head and the more she entreated the
louder his yells and the further he forced himself into his mother's
garments.
[Illustration: She Did! She Did!]
Lin grabbed his clothes from the spectacled lady berating both soundly,
giving them but little opportunity to explain. Others joined in the wordy
attack, much to the elderly woman's confusion and shame. The fact that
they were old maids, living alone and associating with but few of their
neighbors, lent bitterness to the invectives hurled at them, the climax