Watch Yourself Go By | Page 4

"Al-f-u-r-d-!" "Al-f-u-r-d!" Al-f-u-r-d!"
Town life had not diminished the volume of Malinda Linn's voice. It
was far-reaching as ever. Malinda was familiarly called "Lin"--in print
the name looks unnatural and Chinese-like. Lin Linn was about the
whole works in the family. Her duties were calling, seeking and
changing the apparel of "Al-f-u-r-d", duties she discharged with a
mixture of scoldings and caresses.
When the family moved to town to live, Lin became impressed with the
propriety of bestowing the full baptismal name upon the First Born, and
to his open-eyed wonderment, he was addressed as "Alfred Griffith."
But when Lin called him from afar--and she usually had to call him,
and then go after him--it was always "Al-f-u-r-d!"
A bunch of misery, pale and limp, was lying in the family garden
between two rows of tomato vines, the earth about him disturbed from
his intermittent spasms. A big, greenish, yellowish worm was crawling
over his head, his tow-like hair whiter by contrast; upon his forehead
great drops of perspiration.
[Illustration: The First Cigar]
He heard Lin's calls but could not answer. He half opened his eyes as
she approached him. Berating him roundly for hiding from her, bending
over him, the pallor of his face frightened her. Her screams would have
abashed a Camanche Indian. Tenderly taking up the almost
unconscious boy, she hastened toward the house, frightened members
of the family and several nearby neighbors attracted by her screams.
Crowded around "Al-f-u-r-d" all busied themselves in assisting in

placing him in bed. His hands were rubbed, his brow bathed, the air
about agitated with a big palm-leaf fan while the doctor was
summoned.
When the family doctor arrived "Al-f-u-r-d's" shirt-waist was opened in
front and a big, greenish, yellowish worm fell to the floor. This, and
that sickening smell of green tomato vines, assisted the good doctor in
his diagnosis. To know the disease is the beginning of the cure. Hot
water and mustard administered in copious draughts, the little
rebellious stomach, made more so by this treatment, began sending up
returns. Thus was relieved "the worst case of tomato poisoning that had,
up to that time, come under the doctor's observation."
At that time the tomato had not long been an edible. Indeed many
persons refused to consider them as such, growing them for merely
ornamental purposes, displaying them on mantels and window sills.
Tomatoes were commonly called "Jerusalem" or "Love Apples." On
this occasion the doctor dilated at length on its past bad reputation and
the lurking poison contained in vine and fruit.
The blinds were lowered and Alfred slept. The nurses tiptoed from the
room, to return, tip-toeing to the bed to see how he was resting, then
returning to the kitchen to advise the anxious ones there that he was
resting easy.
Poor Lin was "near distracted" no sooner was it announced that
"Al-f-u-r-d" was out of danger than she began gathering the "green
tomattisus" lying in irregular rows on various window sills to ripen in
the sun, giving vent to her pent-up "feelings" thus:
"Huh! Tomattisus! Never was made to eat. They ain't no good, no-way.
Pap's right. They're called Jerusalem apples 'caus they wuz first planted
by the Jews, who knowed their enemies would eat 'em an' git pizened
an' die of cancers, an' Lord knows what else."
She carried the offending fruit to the family swill barrel, where the
leavings of the table were deposited. As she raised one big tomato to
drop it into the barrel, her hand paused, as she soliloquized:

"No, If tomattisus will pizen pee-pul, they'll pizen hogs. They ain't fit
for hogs nohow. They ain't fit fer nuthin' but heathens an' sich like, as
oughter be pizened."
Turning to one of several neighbors, whose looks denoted disapproval
of wilful waste, she benevolently emptied the tomatoes into the
woman's upheld apron, remarking:
"Lordy. Yer welcome to 'em if yer folks like 'em an' ain't carin' much
when they die. Take 'em. Ye kin have 'em an' welcome."
While the father was yanking the noxious tomato plants out by the
roots and sprinkling the ground with lime, "Al-f-u-r-d" began showing
symptoms of returning life. After the nurses had tiptoed from the room,
supposedly leaving him in deep slumber, he threw back the linen sheets
and slid from the bed on the side farthest from the open door leading to
the kitchen. Cautiously creeping to where lay his trousers--inserting a
hand in the deep pocket, which had been put in by Lin by special
request--he drew out two long, dark, worm-like objects, holding them
at arm's length gagging anew at even the sight of them. Staggering to
the cupboard dropping them into a box half filled with similar
worm-like objects, he staggered back to bed as quickly as his weakened
condition would