Uncle Josh Weathersbys Punkin Centre Stories | Page 4

'em all,
Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and a lot of us old codgers,
Used to meet down at the grocery store, what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.
There we'd set and argufy most every market day,
Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass the time away;
And many a knotty problem has put us on our mettle,
Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve and settle;
Then after they had said their say, who thought they knowed it all,
I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got
From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old fashioned yeller book,
And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've took;
Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through its pages,
Seein' of the different things that's happened in all ages.
One time I wuz elected a Justice of the Peace,
To make out legal documents, a mortgage or a lease,
Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I knowed them all,
Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
So now I've bin to New York, and all your sights I've seen,
I s'pose that to you city folks I must look most awful green,
Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I walked round the town,
Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't Mr. Hiram Brown.
I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung onto the straps,
When we flew around the corners, sat on other peoples' laps,
Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,
Read about your city in My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York
WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by that button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if