Trips to the Moon | Page 8

or a sutler who
followed the camp. This, however, was tolerable, because it pretended
to nothing more; and might be useful by supplying materials for some
better historian. I only blame him for his pompous introduction:
"Callimorphus, physician to the sixth legion of spearmen, his history of
the Parthian war." Then his books are all carefully numbered, and he
entertains us with a most frigid preface, which he concludes with
saying that "a physician must be the fittest of all men to write history,
because AEsculapius was the son of Apollo, and Apollo is the leader of
the Muses, and the great prince of literature."
Besides this, after setting out in delicate Ionic, he drops, I know not
how, into the most vulgar style and expressions, used only by the very
dregs of the people.
And here I must not pass over a certain wise man, whose name,
however, I shall not mention; his work is lately published at Corinth,
and is beyond everything one could have conceived. In the very first
sentence of his preface he takes his readers to task, and convinces them
by the most sagacious method of reasoning that "none but a wise man
should ever attempt to write history." Then comes syllogism upon
syllogism; every kind of argument is by turns made use of, to introduce
the meanest and most fulsome adulation; and even this is brought in by
syllogism and interrogation. What appeared to me the most intolerable
and unbecoming the long beard of a philosopher, was his saying in the
preface that our emperor was above all men most happy, whose actions
even philosophers did not disdain to celebrate; surely this, if it ought to
be said at all, should have been left for us to say rather than himself.

Neither must we here forget that historian who begins thus: "I come to
speak of the Romans and Persians;" and a little after he says, "for the
Persians ought to suffer;" and in another place, "there was one Osroes,
whom the Greeks call Oxyrrhoes," with many things of this kind. This
man is just such a one as him I mentioned before, only that one is like
Thucydides, and the other the exact resemblance of Herodotus.
But there is yet another writer, renowned for eloquence, another
Thucydides, or rather superior to him, who most elaborately describes
every city, mountain, field, and river, and cries out with all his might,
"May the great averter of evil turn it all on our enemies!" This is colder
than Caspian snow, or Celtic ice. The emperor's shield takes up a whole
book to describe. The Gorgon's {35} eyes are blue, and black, and
white; the serpents twine about his hair, and his belt has all the colours
of the rainbow. How many thousand lines does it cost him to describe
Vologesus's breeches and his horse's bridle, and how Osroes' hair
looked when he swam over the Tigris, what sort of a cave he fled into,
and how it was shaded all over with ivy, and myrtle, and laurel, twined
together. You plainly see how necessary this was to the history, and
that we could not possibly have understood what was going forward
without it.
From inability, and ignorance of everything useful, these men are
driven to descriptions of countries and caverns, and when they come
into a multiplicity of great and momentous affairs, are utterly at a loss.
Like a servant enriched on a sudden by coming into his master's estate,
who does not know how to put on his clothes, or to eat as he should do;
but when fine birds, fat sows, and hares are placed before him, falls to
and eats till he bursts, of salt meat and pottage. The writer I just now
mentioned describes the strangest wounds, and the most extraordinary
deaths you ever heard of; tells us of a man's being wounded in the great
toe, and expiring immediately; and how on Priscus, the general,
bawling out loud, seven-and-twenty of the enemy fell down dead upon
the spot. He has told lies, moreover, about the number of the slain, in
contradiction to the account given in by the leaders. He will have it that
seventy thousand two hundred and thirty-six of the enemy died at
Europus, and of the Romans only two, and nine wounded. Surely

nobody in their senses can bear this.
Another thing should be mentioned here also, which is no little fault.
From the affectation of Atticism, and a more than ordinary attention to
purity of diction, he has taken the liberty to turn the Roman names into
Greek, to call Saturninus, [Greek], Chronius; Fronto, [Greek], Frontis;
Titianus, [Greek], Titanius, and others still more ridiculous. With
regard to the death of Severian, he informs us that everybody else was
mistaken