The Thirteenth Chair | Page 2

to him once.
MRS. CROSBY. Child, explain to him that wives don't have to--Oh, I
forget you haven't learned that yet. You know, Billy, I can talk to your
father very effectively without words.
(Crosses to below table R.)
HELEN (turning to MRS. CROSBY). Mrs. Crosby--
WILLIAM. Mother, Nell's all fussed up because we've got money. She
thinks you'll think--I'm--what in novels they call marrying beneath me.
(He and MRS. CROSBY laugh. HELEN looks a little hurt.)
HELEN. Well, he is.
MRS. CROSBY. Nonsense, child, don't be silly. (Sits down stage end
of table.)
HELEN (moving a step to MRS. CROSBY). It's not silly, Mrs. Crosby.
Everyone will say it, and they'll be right.
WILLIAM. Let's settle this thing now once and for all, then. In the first
place it's all nonsense, and in the second it isn't true--
HELEN. Oh, yes, it is.
MRS. CROSBY. Oh, the first row! I'll settle this one. Nelly!

WILLIAM. Now then, Nell, out with it, get it all out of your system.
HELEN. In the first place, it's the money.
MRS. CROSBY. Yes, but--Helen--
HELEN. Please, let me say it all. You have social position, great wealth,
charming friends, everything that makes life worth--Oh, what's the use?
You know as well as I do the great difference between us, and--
MRS. CROSBY. My dear child, suppose we admit all that, what then?
HELEN. But don't you see--
WILLIAM (embracing her in front of table R.). You little idiot! I don't
see anything but you.
MRS. CROSBY. You love each other, that's the whole of it, children.
Suppose you listen to an old woman.
WILLIAM. Old! Huh!
MRS. CROSBY. Well, old enough. If Billy was the usual rich man's
son it might be different. There might be something in what you say.
But thank God he isn't. Mind you, I don't say he wasn't like most of
them when he was younger. I dare say he was, I know he went to
supper with a chorus girl once.
WILLIAM. Twice.
HELEN. What was she like?
WILLIAM. Like a chorus girl.
MRS. CROSBY. The trouble with you, my dear, is that you've been
reading novels. When Billy's father married me, I was a school teacher,
and he was a clerk. We didn't have any money, but we were awfully in
love--we still rather like each other. Now just for the sake of argument,
suppose we should have acted like stern parents, what would be the use?

Billy's in business for himself, he's making his own money, he can
marry when he wants to and as he wants to, and if you want my real
opinion, I don't mind confessing that I think he's pretty lucky to get
you.
WILLIAM. There!
HELEN. But you know so little about me.
WILLIAM. Oh, rot!
MRS. CROSBY (to WILLIAM). Thank you, Billy. I was trying to
think of an effective word. (To HELEN.) You've been my private
secretary for over a year, and no matter how much my looks belie it,
I'm not a bit of a fool. I know a great deal about you.
HELEN. My family--
WILLIAM (C.). I'm not marrying your family!
HELEN. I'm afraid you are.
WILLIAM. Oh!
HELEN. There's only mother.
MRS. CROSBY (rising and moving to HELEN'S side in front of table
R.). Oh, my dear, forgive me. Your mother should have been here
to-night.
HELEN. No, my mother--Mrs. Crosby--mother doesn't go out--she'd be
unhappy here, and you'd be uncomfortable if she came. You'll find her
trying sometimes, you'll think she's common. Oh, don't misunderstand
me. She's the most wonderful mother in the world. And she's--
MRS. CROSBY. Suppose, my dear, that we take your mother for
granted. (She crosses to a position between WILLIAM and HELEN.)
Take us as you find us and we will try to be happy.

(Enter CROSBY from door L. He is a fine-looking man of about sixty,
with a pleasant personality, a good deal of charm and that masterful
self-possession which sometimes marks the man of affairs. It is always
evident that the most delightful intimacy exists between himself and his
wife.)
MRS. CROSBY. Well, Roscoe?
CROSBY (moves to L.C.). Welcome, my dear. (HELEN crosses to him
and he takes her in his arms.)
HELEN. Oh, Mr. Crosby--I--
CROSBY (placing HELEN L. of him with arm still around her,
reaching his other hand to WILLIAM). Bill, shake!
(Father and son shake hands.)
(CROSBY looks at his wife and they laugh gently.)
Shall I tell 'em?
MRS. CROSBY (standing in front of table over R.). I would.
WILLIAM (R.C.) Tell us what?
CROSBY (C.). You did this just in time. To-morrow I was going to
forbid you to have anything more to do with this young woman.
HELEN (L. of CROSBY). You see!
WILLIAM. What for?
CROSBY. Your mother and I