The Ten Pleasures of Marriage and The Confession of the New-married Couple (1682) | Page 6

the peril of his wounds, then if it did not concern him. But if at last he doth come, it is when the wound's festered, the Ague in the blood, or that the body is incurable. So far was he concern'd in looking after that Love-apple, or Night-shadow, for the cure of his own burning distemper.
If he be a Counsellor, his whole brain is so much puzzel'd how to begin and pursue the Process for the obtaining his Mistress in Marriage; that all other suits tho they be to the great detriment of poor Widows and Orphans are laid aside, and wholly rejected. Then being desired by his Clients to meet them at anyplace, and to give his advice concerning the cause, he hath had such earnest business with his Mistress, that he comes an hour or two later then was appointed. But coming at last, one half of the time that can be spent, is little enough to make Mr. Counsellor understand in what state the cause stood at the last meeting. And then having heard what the Plaintif and Defendant do say, he only tells them, I must have clearer evidences, the accounts better adjusted, and your demand in writing, before I can make any decision of this cause to both your satisfactions.
There they stand then, and look one upon another, not daring to say otherwise, but _'tis very well Sir, we will make them all ready against the next meeting_; and are, with grief at heart, forced to see as much and sometimes more expences made at the meeting, as the whole concern of their debate amounted to. Then it is, come let's now discourse of matters of state, and drink a glass about to the health of the King & the prosperity of our Country and all the inhabitants; which is done only to the purpose, that coming to his Mistress, he may boastingly say, my dear, just now at a meeting we remembered you in a glass, & I'l swear the least drop of it was so delicious to me, as ever Nectar and Ambrose could be, that the Poets so highly commend.
If Counsellors, and other learned men, that are in love, do thus; what can the unlearned Notary's do less? Even nothing else, but when they are writing, scribble up a multiplicity of several words, unnecessary clauses, and make long periods; not so much as touching or mentioning the principal business; and if he does, writes it clear contrary to the intent of the party concern'd: By that means making both Wills and other Deeds in such a manner, that the end agrees not with the beginning, nor the middle with either. Which occasions between friends, near relations, and neighbors, great differences, and an implacable hatred; forcing thereby the monies of innocent and self-necessitated people, into the Pockets of Counsellors and Attorneys.
And alas the diligent Merchant, when he has gotten the least smatch of this frensie, his head runs so much upon wheels, that he daily neglects his Change-time; forgets his Bils of exchange; and is alwaies a Post or two behind hand with his Letters: So that he knows not what Merchandises rise or fall, or what commodities are arrived or expected. And by this means buies in Wares, at such rates, that in few daies he loses 20, yea sometimes 30 per cent. by them. Nay, this distemper is so hot in his head, that thereby he Ships his goods in a Vessel, where the Master and his Mate are for the most part drunk, and who hardly thrice in ten times make a good voyage.
And who knows not how miserable that City and Country is, when a military person happens to ly sick in this Hospital. If he be in Garison, he doth nothing but trick up himself, walk along the streets, flatter his Mistress, and vaunt of his knowledge and Warlike deeds; though he scarce understands the exercising of his Arms, I will not mention encamping in a Field, Fortification, the forming of Batalions, and a great deal more that belongs to him.
And coming into Campagne; alas this wicked Love-ague continues with him; and runs so through his blood, that both the open air, and wide fields are too narrow for him. Yea and tho he formerly had (especially by his Mistris) the name of behaving himself like a second Mars; yet now he'l play the sick-hearted, (I dare not say the faint-hearted) to the end he may, having put on his fine knotted Scarf, and powdered Periwig, only go to shew himself to that adorable Babe, his Lady Venus, Leaving oftentimes a desperate siege, and important State affairs, to accompany a lame, squint-ey'd, and crook-back'd Jeronimo.
And if, by favour or recommandation, he happen to be intrusted with any strong