The Tables Turned | Page 2

again appropriating to
your personal use money which has been entrusted to your care by your
friends and relatives.
_Mr. La-di-da_. I thank you, my lord, for your kindness and
consideration. May I be allowed to ask you to add to your kindness by
permitting me to return to my home and make some necessary
arrangements before submitting myself to the well-merited
chastisement which my imprudence has brought upon me?
_Mr. J. N_. Certainly. I repeat I do not wish to make your sentence any
heavier by forcing a hard construction upon it. I give you a week to
make all arrangements necessary for your peace of mind and your
bodily comfort.
_Mr. L_. I thank your lordship. [Exit.
[The case of MARY PINCH called.]
_Mr. Hungary, Q.C_. I am for the prosecution, my lord, instructed by
the Secretary of State for the Home Department. (JUDGE bites his pen
and nods.) My lord, and gentlemen of the Jury, although this case may
seem to some ill-judging persons a trivial one, I think you will be able
to see before it is over that it is really important in its bearing on the
welfare of society, the welfare of the public; that is, of the respectable
public,--of the respectable public, gentlemen. For in these days, when
the spirit of discontent is so widespread, all illegal actions have, so to
say, a political bearing, my lord, and all illegal actions are wicked,
gentlemen of the Jury, since they tend towards the insecurity of society,
or in other words, are definitely aimed at the very basis of all morality
and religion. Therefore, my lord, I have received instructions from the
Home Secretary to prosecute this woman, who, as I shall be able to
prove to you, gentlemen of the Jury, by the testimony of three
witnesses occupying responsible official positions, has been guilty of a

breach at once of the laws of the country and the dictates of morality,
and has thereby seriously inconvenienced a very respectable tradesman,
nay (_looking at his brief_) three respectable tradesmen. I shall be able
to show, gentlemen, that this woman has stolen three loaves of bread:
(_impressively_) not one, gentlemen, but three.
A Voice. She's got three children, you palavering blackguard!
[Confusion.
_Mr. Justice N_. (_who has made an elaborate show of composing
himself to slumber since the counsel began, here wakes up and cries
out_) Arrest that man, officer; I will commit him, and give him the
heaviest punishment that the law allows of.
[The USHER _dives among the audience amidst great confusion, but
comes back empty-handed_.
_J. N_. A most dangerous disturbance! A most dangerous disturbance!
_Mr. H_. Gentlemen of the Jury, in confirmation of my remarks on the
spirit that is abroad, I call your attention to the riot which has just taken
place, endangering, I doubt not, the life of his lordship, and your own
lives, gentlemen, so valuable to--to--to--in short, to yourselves. Need I
point out to you at any length, then, the danger of allowing criminals,
offenders against the sacred rights of property, to go at large? This
incident speaks for me, and I have now nothing to do but let the
witnesses speak for themselves. Gentlemen of the Jury, I do not ask
you to convict on insufficient evidence; but I do ask you not to be
swayed by any false sentiment bearing reference to the so-called
smallness of the offence, or the poverty of the offender. The law is
made for the poor as well as for the rich, for the rich as well as for the
poor. The poor man has no more right to shelter himself behind his
poverty, than the rich man behind his riches. In short, gentlemen of the
Jury, what I ask you in all confidence to do, is to do justice and fear
not.--I call Sergeant Sticktoit.
[SERGEANT STICKTOIT sworn.

_Mr. H_. Well, sergeant, you saw this woman steal the loaves?
Sticktoit. Yes, sir.
_Mr. H_. All of them?
St. Yes, all.
_Mr. H_. From different shops, or from one?
St. From three different shops.
_Mr. H_. Yes, just so. (_Aside_: Then why the devil did he say from
one shop when his evidence was taken before?) (To ST.) You were an
eye- witness of that? You noticed her take all three loaves?
St. (_Aside_: He wants me to say from three different shops; I'm sure I
don't know why. Anyhow, I'll say it--and swear it.) (_To the Court_)
Yes, I was an eye-witness of the deed; (_pompously_) I followed her,
and then I took her.
_Mr. H_. Yes, then you took her. Please tell the Court how.
St. (_Aside_: Let's see, what did we agree was the likeliest way?) (_To
Court_) I saw her take the first loaf and hide it in her shawl;