The Story of the Gadsby | Page 5

moustache and watching it sideways down his
nose.) Ha-Hamm. (Aside.) 'Wonder what the little beast can talk about.
'Must make a shot at it.
Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
Both Together. Have you Been-CAPT. G. I beg your pardon. You were

going to say-Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with
awed fascination.) Won't you have some eggs?
CAPT. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table.) Eggs! (Aside.) O
Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S'pose they've wiped
her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds.
(Aloud.) No, thanks.
Miss T. (Crimson with confusion.) Oh! I didn't mean that. I wasn't
thinking of mou-eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won't you have some
sa-sweets? (Aside.) He'll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma
would come.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) It was a nursery-tea and she's ashamed of it. By
Jove! She doesn't look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud,
helping himself from the dish.) Have you seen those new chocolates at
Peliti's?
Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
CAPT. G. These! De-licious. (Aside.) And that's a fact.
Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, bother! he'll think I'm fishing for compliments.
(Aloud.) No, Peliti's of course.
CAPT. G. (Enthusiastically.) Not to compare with these. How d'you
make them? I can't get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing
beyond mutton and fowl.
Miss T. Yes? I'm not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten
him. You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It's very
bad policy.
CAPT. G. He's so awf'ly stupid.
Miss T. (Folding her hands in her Zap.) You should call him quietly
and say: "O khansamah jee!"
CAPT. G. (Getting interested.) Yes? (Aside.) Fancy that little

featherweight saying, "O khansamah jee" to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
CAPT. G. But I can't speak the vernacular.
Miss T. (Patronizingly.) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
CAPT. G. I have, but I don't seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very
patient with me. He doesn't get angry when I talk about sheep's topees,
or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
CAPT. G. (Aside with intense indignation.) I'd like to see Mir Khan
being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud.) And do you
understand about horses, too?
Miss T. A little-not very much. I can't doctor them, but I know what
they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
CAPT. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give
his sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything
is so dear.
Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance- neither
more nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That's better than buying
grass in the bazar.
CAPT. G. (Admiringly.) How do you know?
Miss T. I have tried both ways.
CAPT. G. Do you ride much, then? I've never seen you on the Mall.
Miss T. (Aside.) I haven't passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud.)
Nearly every day.
CAPT. G. By Jove! I didn't know that. Ha-Hamm (Pulls at his

mousache and is silent for forty seconds.) Miss T. (Desperately, and
wondering what will happen next.) It looks beautiful. I shouldn't touch
it if I were you. (Aside.) It's all Mamma's fault for not coming before. I
will be rude!
CAPT. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very
quickly.) Eh! What-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily.) (Aside.)
Well, of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet.
She must be a cool hand or else-Ah! that nursery-tea!
VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
CAPT. G. Good gracious! What's that?
Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside.) Emma has been listening, and I'll
never forgive her!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) They don't keep dogs here. (Aloud.) 'Didn't sound
like a dog, did it?
Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let's go into the veranda. What
a lovely evening it is!
Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The
CAPTAIN follows.
CAPT. G. (Aside.) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them
before! (Aloud.) There's going to he a dance at Viceregal Lodge on
Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
Miss T. (Shortly.) No! I don't want any of your charity-dances. You
only ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know
I do!
CAPT. G. (Aside.) That's true, but little girls shouldn't understand these
things. (Aloud.) No, on