The Pacha of Many Tales | Page 4

is he?"
"One whose head is but as your footstool," answered the barber,
prostrating himself,--"your sublime highness's most devoted slave,
Mustapha."
"Holy Prophet! Then you mean yourself!--Well, now I think of it, if
one barber can become a pacha, I do not see why another would not
make a vizier. But then what am I to do for a barber? No, no, Mustapha;
a good vizier is easy to be found, but a good barber, you know as well
as I do, requires some talent."
"Your slave is aware of that," replied Mustapha, "but he has travelled in
other countries, where it is no uncommon circumstance for men to hold
more than one office under government; sometimes much more
incompatible than those of barber and vizier, which are indeed closely
connected. The affairs of most nations are settled by the potentates
during their toilet. While I am shaving the head of your sublime
highness, I can receive your commands to take off the heads of others;
and you can have your person and your state both put in order at the
same moment."

"Very true, Mustapha; then, on condition that you continue your office
of barber, I have no objection to throw that of vizier into the bargain."
Mustapha again prostrated himself, with his tweezers in his hand. He
then rose, and continued his office.
"You can write, Mustapha," observed the pacha, after a short silence.
"Min Allah! God forbid that I should acknowledge it, or I should
consider myself as unfit to assume the office in which your sublime
highness has invested me."
"Although unnecessary for me, I thought it might be requisite for a
vizier," observed the pacha.
"Reading may be necessary, I will allow," replied Mustapha; "but I
trust I can soon prove to your highness that writing is as dangerous as it
is useless. More men have been ruined by that unfortunate acquirement,
than by any other; and dangerous as it is to all, it is still more dangerous
to men in high power. For instance, your sublime highness sends a
message in writing, which is ill-received, and it is produced against you;
but had it been a verbal message, you could deny it, and bastinado to
death the Tartar who carried it, as a proof of your sincerity.
"Very true, Mustapha."
"The grandfather of your slave," continued the barber-vizier, "held the
situation of receiver-general at the custom-house; and he was always in
a fury when he was obliged to take up the pen. It was his creed, that no
government could prosper when writing was in general use. 'Observe,
Mustapha,' said he to me one day, 'here is the curse of writing,--for all
the money which is paid in, I am obliged to give a receipt. What is the
consequence? that government loses many thousand sequins every year;
for when I apply to them for a second payment, they produce their
receipt. Now if it had not been for this cursed invention of writing,
Inshallah! they should have paid twice, if not thrice over. Remember,
Mustapha,' continued he, 'that reading and writing only clog the wheels
of government.'"

"Very true, Mustapha," observed the pacha, "then we will have no
writing."
"Yes, your sublime highness, every thing in writing from others, but
nothing in writing from ourselves. I have a young Greek slave, who can
be employed in these matters. He reads well. I have lately employed
him in reading to me the stories of 'Thousand and one Nights.'"
"Stories," cried the pacha; "what are they about? I never heard of them;
I'm very fond of stories."
"If it would pleasure your sublime highness to hear these stories read,
the slave will wait your commands," replied the vizier.
"Bring him this evening, Mustapha; we will smoke a pipe, and listen to
them; I'm very fond of stories--they always send me to sleep."
The business of the day was transacted with admirable precision and
despatch by the two quondam barbers, who proved how easy it is to
govern, where there are not "three estates" to confuse people. They sat
in the divan as highwaymen loiter on the road, and it was "Your money
or your life" to all who made their appearance.
At the usual hour the court broke up, the guards retired, the money was
carried to the treasury, the executioner wiped his sword, and the lives
of the pacha's subjects were considered to be in a state of comparative
security, until the affairs of the country were again brought under their
cognizance on the ensuing day.
In obedience to the wish expressed by the pacha, Mustapha made his
appearance in the afternoon with the young Greek slave. The new
vizier having taken a seat upon a cushion at the feet of the pacha, the
pipes were lighted,