The Old Bachelor | Page 7

I saw my Araminta, yet am as impatient.
SCENE II.
BELLMOUR alone.
BELL. Why, what a cormorant in love am I! Who, not contented with
the slavery of honourable love in one place, and the pleasure of
enjoying some half a score mistresses of my own acquiring, must yet
take Vainlove's business upon my hands, because it lay too heavy upon
his; so am not only forced to lie with other men's wives for 'em, but
must also undertake the harder task of obliging their mistresses. I must
take up, or I shall never hold out. Flesh and blood cannot bear it
always.
SCENE III.
[To him] SHARPER.
SHARP. I'm sorry to see this, Ned. Once a man comes to his
soliloquies, I give him for gone.
BELL. Sharper, I'm glad to see thee.
SHARP. What! is Belinda cruel, that you are so thoughtful?

BELL. No, faith, not for that. But there's a business of
consequence
fallen out to-day that requires some consideration.
SHARP. Prithee, what mighty business of consequence canst thou
have?
BELL. Why, you must know, 'tis a piece of work toward the
finishing
of an alderman. It seems I must put the last hand to it, and dub him
cuckold, that he may be of equal dignity with the rest of his brethren:
so I must beg Belinda's pardon.
SHARP. Faith, e'en give her over for good and all; you can have no
hopes of getting her for a mistress; and she is too proud, too inconstant,
too affected and too witty, and too handsome for a wife.
BELL. But she can't have too much money. There's twelve thousand
pound, Tom. 'Tis true she is excessively foppish and affected; but in my
conscience I believe the baggage loves me: for she never speaks well of
me herself, nor suffers anybody else to rail at me. Then, as I told you,
there's twelve thousand pound. Hum! Why, faith, upon second thoughts,
she does not appear to be so very affected neither.--Give her her due, I
think the woman's a woman, and that's all. As such, I'm sure I shall like
her; for the devil take me if I don't love all the sex.
SHARP. And here comes one who swears as heartily he hates all the
sex.
SCENE IV.
[To them] HEARTWELL.
BELL. Who? Heartwell? Ay, but he knows better things. How now,
George, where hast thou been snarling odious truths, and
entertaining
company, like a physician, with discourse of their diseases and
infirmities? What fine lady hast thou been putting out of conceit with
herself, and persuading that the face she had been making all the
morning was none of her own? For I know thou art as unmannerly and
as unwelcome to a woman as a looking-glass after the smallpox.

HEART. I confess I have not been sneering fulsome lies and nauseous
flattery; fawning upon a little tawdry whore, that will fawn upon me
again, and entertain any puppy that comes, like a tumbler, with the
same tricks over and over. For such, I guess, may have been your late
employment.
BELL. Would thou hadst come a little sooner. Vainlove would have
wrought thy conversion, and been a champion for the cause.
HEART. What! has he been here? That's one of love's April fools; is
always upon some errand that's to no purpose; ever embarking in
adventures, yet never comes to harbour.
SHARP. That's because he always sets out in foul weather, loves to
buffet with the winds, meet the tide, and sail in the teeth of opposition.
HEART. What! Has he not dropt anchor at Araminta?
BELL. Truth on't is she fits his temper best, is a kind of floating island;
sometimes seems in reach, then vanishes and keeps him busied in the
search.
SHARP. She had need have a good share of sense to manage so
capricious a lover.
BELL. Faith I don't know, he's of a temper the most easy to himself in
the world; he takes as much always of an amour as he cares for, and
quits it when it grows stale or unpleasant.
SHARP. An argument of very little passion, very good
understanding,
and very ill nature.
HEART. And proves that Vainlove plays the fool with discretion.
SHARP. You, Bellmour, are bound in gratitude to stickle for him; you
with pleasure reap that fruit, which he takes pains to sow: he does the
drudgery in the mine, and you stamp your image on the gold.

BELL. He's of another opinion, and says I do the drudgery in the mine.
Well, we have each our share of sport, and each that which he likes best;
'tis his diversion to set, 'tis mine to cover the partridge.
HEART. And it should be mine to let 'em go again.
SHARP. Not till you had mouthed a little, George. I think