The Old Bachelor | Page 6

troth, from thee, who hast had her.
BELL. Never--her affections. 'Tis true, by heaven: she owned it to my
face; and, blushing like the virgin morn when it disclosed the cheat
which that trusty bawd of nature, night, had hid, confessed her soul was
true to you; though I by treachery had stolen the bliss.
VAIN. So was true as turtle--in imagination--Ned, ha? Preach this

doctrine to husbands, and the married women will adore thee.
BELL. Why, faith, I think it will do well enough, if the husband be out
of the way, for the wife to show her fondness and impatience of his
absence by choosing a lover as like him as she can; and what is unlike,
she may help out with her own fancy.
VAIN. But is it not an abuse to the lover to be made a blind of?
BELL. As you say, the abuse is to the lover, not the husband. For 'tis an
argument of her great zeal towards him, that she will enjoy him in
effigy.
VAIN. It must be a very superstitious country where such zeal passes
for true devotion. I doubt it will be damned by all our Protestant
husbands for flat idolatry. But, if you can make Alderman Fondlewife
of your persuasion, this letter will be needless.
BELL. What! The old banker with the handsome wife?
VAIN. Ay.
BELL. Let me see--LAETITIA! Oh, 'tis a delicious morsel. Dear Frank,
thou art the truest friend in the world.
VAIN. Ay, am I not? To be continually starting of hares for you to
course. We were certainly cut out for one another; for my temper quits
an amour just where thine takes it up. But read that; it is an
appointment for me, this evening--when Fondlewife will be gone out of
town, to meet the master of a ship, about the return of a venture which
he's in danger of losing. Read, read.
BELL. [reads.] Hum, Hum--Out of town this evening, and talks of
sending for Mr. Spintext to keep me company; but I'll take care he shall
not be at home. Good! Spintext! Oh, the fanatic one-eyed parson!
VAIN. Ay.
BELL. [reads.] Hum, Hum--That your conversation will be much more

agreeable, if you can counterfeit his habit to blind the servants. Very
good! Then I must be disguised?--With all my heart!--It adds a gusto to
an amour; gives it the greater resemblance of theft; and, among us lewd
mortals, the deeper the sin the sweeter. Frank, I'm amazed at thy good
nature -
VAIN. Faith, I hate love when 'tis forced upon a man, as I do wine.
And this business is none of my seeking; I only happened to be, once or
twice, where Laetitia was the handsomest woman in company; so,
consequently, applied myself to her--and it seems she has taken me at
my word. Had you been there, or anybody, 't had been the same.
BELL. I wish I may succeed as the same.
VAIN. Never doubt it; for if the spirit of cuckoldom be once raised up
in a woman, the devil can't lay it, until she has done't.
BELL. Prithee, what sort of fellow is Fondlewife?
VAIN. A kind of mongrel zealot, sometimes very precise and peevish.
But I have seen him pleasant enough in his way; much addicted to
jealousy, but more to fondness; so that as he is often jealous without a
cause, he's as often satisfied without reason.
BELL. A very even temper, and fit for my purpose. I must get your
man Setter to provide my disguise.
VAIN. Ay; you may take him for good and all, if you will, for you have
made him fit for nobody else. Well -
BELL. You're going to visit in return of Sylvia's letter. Poor rogue!
Any hour of the day or night will serve her. But do you know nothing
of a new rival there?
VAIN. Yes; Heartwell--that surly, old, pretended woman-hater-- thinks
her virtuous; that's one reason why I fail her. I would have her fret
herself out of conceit with me, that she may
entertain some thoughts
of him. I know he visits her every day.

BELL. Yet rails on still, and thinks his love unknown to us. A little
time will swell him so, he must be forced to give it birth; and the
discovery must needs be very pleasant from himself, to see what pains
he will take, and how he will strain to be delivered of a secret, when he
has miscarried of it already.
VAIN. Well, good-morrow. Let's dine together; I'll meet at the old
place.
BELL. With all my heart. It lies convenient for us to pay our afternoon
services to our mistresses. I find I am damnably in love, I'm so uneasy
for not having seen Belinda yesterday.
VAIN. But