The New Pun Book

The New Pun Book, by Thomas
A. Brown and

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Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey
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Title: The New Pun Book
Author: Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey

Release Date: September 3, 2007 [eBook #22495]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
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+-----------------------------------------------------------+ | Transcriber's
Note: | | | | Inconsistent hyphenation and unusual spelling in the | |
original document have been preserved. | | | | Obvious typographical
errors have been corrected. For | | a complete list, please see the end of
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THE NEW PUN BOOK
COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM THE NOTES OF
TWO LEARNED PUNDITS
Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in all pungencies of
speech. Scholarly men who rejoice in punctiliousness in their language,
contrive to improve its flavor and precision by exercise in these
unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as with our Pundit's famous
countryman Mr. Jaberjee, though they use the purest language, they can
instantly express every shade of thought with grace and completeness
without resorting to slang:--that ready cloak wherewith puny minds
strive to cover their vulgarity and lack of culture.
BY T. B. AND T. C.
New York FRANK VERNON & CO. 103 Park Avenue

COPYRIGHT 1906 By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.

The New Pun Book
"He's a professional grafter."
"Who?"
"The nurseryman."

* * * * *
"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he
weighs?"
"I don't know, what does he weigh?"
"Meat."
* * * * *
"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though
everyone wasn't wise to that."
* * * * *
"How are you to-day?"
"Oh, I can't kick."
"Thought you were ill."
"I am--I have the gout."
* * * * *
"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage
certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"
"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"
* * * * *
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it
anywhere.
He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?
* * * * *

"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"
"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"
"I have another at home--Lena."
* * * * *
"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."
"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of
it."
"No?"
"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."
"You don't say so!"
"I do. She's a child nurse."
* * * * *
The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump! But got up with a happy
smile, And to the young man said: "Please, sir, How many laps are to
the mile?"
* * * * *
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New
York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't
he start the races?
* * * * *
"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away
some rotten eggs.
* * * * *

"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good
work, isn't it?"
"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods
we make."
"Oh! are you in this line, too?"
"No. We make gunpowder."
* * * * *
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!
* * * * *
"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile
hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."
* * * * *
"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes
back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"
"Why, an Irishman, of course."
"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."
* * * * *
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?
She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.
* * * * *
"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't
reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a
step-ladder."

"Did she give it to you?"
"No; but she gave me a stare."
* * * * *
"My sister