The Mule-Bone | Page 5

strong flavor, but not something you could mash up like a strawberry. Something with a body to it.
(General laughter, but not obscene.)
HAMBO: (Admiringly) Joe Clark! I didn't know you had it in you!
(MRS. CLARK enters from store door and they all straighten up guiltily)
CLARK: (Angrily to his wife) Now whut do you want? I God, the minute I set down, here you come....
MRS. CLARK: Somebody want a stamp, Jody. You know you don't 'low me to bove wid de post office. (HE rises sullenly and goes inside the store.)
BRAZZLE: Say, Hambo, I didn't see you at our Sunday School picnic.
HAMBO: (Slicing some plug-cut tobacco) Nope, wan't there dis time.
WALTER: Looka here, Hambo. Y'all Baptist carry dis close-communion business too far. If a person ain't half drownded in de lake and half et up by alligators, y'all think he ain't baptized, so you can't take communion wid him. Now I reckon you can't even drink lemonade and eat chicken perlow wid us.
HAMBO: My Lord, boy, youse just full of words. Now, in de first place, if this year's picnic was lak de one y'all had last year ... you ain't had no lemonade for us Baptists to turn down. You had a big ole barrel of rain water wid about a pound of sugar in it and one lemon cut up over de top of it.
LIGE: Man, you sho kin mold 'em!
WALTER: Well, I went to de Baptist picnic wid my mouf all set to eat chicken, when lo and behold y'all had chitlings! Do Jesus!
LINDSAY: Hold on there a minute. There was plenty chicken at dat picnic, which I do know is right.
WALTER: Only chicken I seen was half a chicken yo' pastor musta tried to swaller whole cause he was choked stiff as a board when I come long ... wid de whole deacon's board beating him in de back, trying to knock it out his throat.
LIGE: Say, dat puts me in de mind of a Baptist brother that was crazy 'bout de preachers and de preacher was crazy 'bout feeding his face. So his son got tired of trying to beat dese stump-knockers to de grub on the table, so one day he throwed out some slams 'bout dese preachers. Dat made his old man mad, so he tole his son to git out. He boy ast him "Where must I go, papa?" He says, "Go on to hell I reckon ... I don't keer where you go."
So de boy left and was gone seven years. He come back one cold, windy night and rapped on de door. "Who dat?" de old man ast him "It's me, Jack." De old man opened de door, so glad to see his son agin, and tole Jack to come in. He did and looked all round de place. Seven or eight preachers was sitting round de fire eatin' and drinkin'.
"Where you been all dis time, Jack?" de old man ast him.
"I been to hell," Jack tole him.
"Tell us how it is down there, Jack."
"Well," he says, "It's just like it is here ... you cain't git to de fire for de preachers."
HAMBO: Boy, you kin lie just like de cross-ties from Jacksonville to Key West. De presidin' elder must come round on his circuit teaching y'all how to tell 'em, cause you couldn't lie dat good just natural.
WALTER: Can't nobody beat Baptist folks lying ... and I ain't never found out how come you think youse so important.
LINDSAY: Ain't we got de finest and de biggest church? Macedonia Baptist will hold more folks than any two buildings in town.
LIGE: Thass right, y'all got a heap more church than you got members to go in it.
HAMBO: Thass all right ... y'all ain't got neither de church nor de members. Everything that's had in this town got to be held in our church.
(Re-enter JOE CLARK.)
CLARK: What you-all talkin'?
HAMBO: Come on out, Tush Hawg, lemme beat you some checkers. I'm tired of fending and proving wid dese boys ain't got no hair on they chest yet.
CLARK: I God, you mean you gointer get beat. You can't handle me ... I'm a tush hawg.
HAMBO: Well, I'm going to draw dem tushes right now. (To two small boys using checker board on edge of porch.) Here you chilluns, let de Mayor and me have that board. Go on out an' play an' give us grown folks a little peace. (The children go down stage and call out:)
SMALL BOY: Hey, Senator. Hey, Marthy. Come on let's play chick-me, chick-me, cranie-crow.
CHILD'S VOICE: (Off stage) All right! Come on, Jessie! (Enter several children, led by SENATOR, and a game begins in front of the store as JOE CLARK and HAMBO play checkers.)
JOE CLARK: I God! Hambo, you can't play no checkers.
HAMBO: (As they seat themselves at the check board)