The McNaughtens | Page 7

the trustee of the estate, and has written me that the young heir will arrive today.
Urania I am truly easy. I think it's a fine idea.
Hastings This marriage would be a great advantage for our family. So, seeing that you are no longer interested in remarrying, I thought we might endow Flavella with your estate--reserving a life estate for you until your death.
Urania Until my death! Truly, brother, this project is very appealing to me! I will do no such thing. My death, indeed!
Hastings But I already sort of promised--
Urania You promised, eh? Well, de-promise. I'll have you know, I still think I'm not past marrying and having children--
Hastings Having children, sis? You're joking, you're past fifty!
Urania Me! Fifty years old! Me! Jenny!
Jenny (defensively) Don't blame me. I've never told him your age! Because Madame has lived a while, people think she's no longer young. He's a stupid man.
Hastings Dear sister, I believe I've been quite fair in my calculations. I reasoned that since you are my elder sister, and I am past fifty myself--necessarily-- Therefor, how can I be wrong?
Urania Your necessarily is stupid. I know very well that it--that it cannot be! My youth is well known. And I can prove it to you, clearly and precisely. My wealth will never be inherited by you. I'll bury you, and your children, and the children I am going to have, too. Despite you and the murderous plots you are hatching. Do you hear, brother dear?-- I have spoken. Good day! Come Jenny.
(Exit Urania in a fury)
Hastings Lovely disposition.
Jenny Sir, another time--or better yet, say nothing. Or read, if you please, better almanacs. My lady is, still, despite you and your calculations, young and pretty, and all the connoisseurs will remind you of it.
(Exit Jenny)
Hastings I can see what my sister is up to. Marry again, at her age? The old fool. Well, I have taken some measures. Better go see Torrington and straighten things out. If the man in question is as described, we shall very soon consummate this marriage.
BLACKOUT
Scene II. The same, a short time later. The Captain and Spruce enter from different directions. Spruce is out of breath again.
Spruce I found your brother, but not without trouble. You see how out of breath I am. I've been around London, from one end to the other--to the stage, to the post, everywhere. And I swear, every street I went down, I met a creditor. I even met that Welshman--the Squire to whom we owe a hundred pounds.
Captain I am ashamed to owe him for so long. He took me for a gentleman--
Spruce (aside) Which few do.
Captain And the first money that I get, I am going to repay him. Nothing will prevent me.
Spruce (aside) But a wench or a game of cards. (Aloud) Wonderful! Anyway, not knowing where to go first, I went back to the custom house. And there I saw your brother--actually knew him instantly from a distance--because of the resemblance. Really, an incredible resemblance. He was arguing with the inspector about the tariff. His face, his features, his bearing, even his tone of voice! If I hadn't known, I would have been deceived completely. But his temper,--that's where he's different from you. He's brusque, impolite even--quite unlike you. It's easy to see he isn't a man of the world-- in fact, he's a savage brute!
Captain One shouldn't be surprised by rudeness in a country bumpkin who was nourished without politeness. It will take more than the air of London to get this beastly behaviour out of him.
Spruce As I was saying, I watched his quarrel from a distance, and when he finally left, I gave him a taste of my abilities as a porter. My zeal and flattery worked to such effect that he asked me to be his valet. I even recommended him this lodging--a place fit for the masterful projects I am hatching in my head. He ought to be here any minute.
Captain (amused) What masterful project are you hatching in that charming head of yours?
Spruce Fortune herself appeared to me--in total surrender. We can profit by this resemblance you bear to each other to obtain Flavella, and-- what's more important--your inheritance. Two birds with one stone.
Captain Yes, yes, we can. We shall, we will. But how?
Spruce Nothing could be easier. We'll trade off this bumpkin to Aunt Urania, you will get Miss Flavella, and more important, I will get Jenny.
Captain And how are we to put this brave plan into action?
Spruce First, you've got to change clothes, and dress like the heir apparent. Adopt his mannerisms, and the Devil will provide--
Captain Dress like an heir? My God, I don't know how. I've never been an heir before.
Spruce Act sad on first sight. Impose on the lawyer and get the money.
Captain I am