The McNaughtens | Page 8

will take more than the air of
London to get this beastly behaviour out of him.
Spruce As I was saying, I watched his quarrel from a distance, and
when he finally left, I gave him a taste of my abilities as a porter. My
zeal and flattery worked to such effect that he asked me to be his valet.
I even recommended him this lodging--a place fit for the masterful
projects I am hatching in my head. He ought to be here any minute.
Captain (amused) What masterful project are you hatching in that
charming head of yours?
Spruce Fortune herself appeared to me--in total surrender. We can
profit by this resemblance you bear to each other to obtain Flavella,
and-- what's more important--your inheritance. Two birds with one
stone.
Captain Yes, yes, we can. We shall, we will. But how?
Spruce Nothing could be easier. We'll trade off this bumpkin to Aunt
Urania, you will get Miss Flavella, and more important, I will get
Jenny.
Captain And how are we to put this brave plan into action?
Spruce First, you've got to change clothes, and dress like the heir
apparent. Adopt his mannerisms, and the Devil will provide--

Captain Dress like an heir? My God, I don't know how. I've never been
an heir before.
Spruce Act sad on first sight. Impose on the lawyer and get the money.
Captain I am a little uncomfortable about deceiving my brother.
Spruce What an idle and ridiculous delicacy! Risk nothing, gain
nothing. Maybe you ought to protect him. With this money, he could
do some good--only you don't give him a good character.
Captain If I want this inheritance, it's only for the sake of Flavella,
whom I adore.
Spruce Of course. And if you don't get it, he will have her! Can you
bear thinking of him kissing her?
Captain Damnation!
Spruce But he was a fine brother, and you ought not to deceive him.
Captain He's a son of a bitch. He was always stealing my toys. That's it.
I'll do it.
Spruce Good. That's the spirit.
Captain I'll tell you what. Flavella doesn't look on me with indifference.
Her father knows nothing of it, and, by good luck, has never seen me,
because I've never taken the first step to ask for her hand. If I had, all
my hopes would have been dashed, I am sure of it. Still, one thing
holds me back.
Spruce Good Heavens, what can it be?
Captain I've promised in writing to marry Urania.
Spruce Banish all thought of that engagement. If you were to marry all
the women you've promised to marry, you would be a bigamist many
times over. Now to work! You must dress like your brother. He's

wearing mourning, a little frayed. His wig's a little different than yours,
but you really don't need to change much. You must get into mourning,
without wasting any time.
Captain But, Urania is waiting for me to dine with her!
Spruce You now have other work to do. Dine tomorrow! I believe I see
your brother coming up that side street. I'm not mistaken. You must go
quick-- Doubletime, Captain.
Captain But, tell me first--
Spruce I've nothing to say to you now, except go, quickly.
(Reluctantly, with a questioning expression, the Captain goes, hurried
off by Spruce. After a moment, enter McNaughten dressed in
mourning.)
Spruce Finally, you're here, sir. To keep my word I've been waiting for
you by this hotel, but it's been a long time.
McNaughten Yes, indeed, here I am. I thought it was all my life was
worth to get here. What a country--what a Hell! I made a thousand false
turns. I've never run so many risks in my life. One cannot take a step
without falling in some trap. Everywhere some pickpocket hemmed me
in. A carriage covered me with mud. What noise, what confusion. I
believe that in this city, the Devil has finally settled on his abode.
Spruce Oh, London is a tumultuous, noisy place.
McNaughten Really! I'd much prefer to be at a Black Sabbath. A
woods full of robbers is a hundred times more secure. My trunk was
taken by someone else. I've lost fifteen pounds--and some love letters,
too.
Spruce You have to be on your guard around here.
McNaughten I believe it, indeed. This loss will make me more alert and
exact. Happily, I kept most of my money in my belt.

Spruce Did you so? How clever of you. (picking his pocket) I've had a
bed prepared for you in a nice quiet room, in the back, away from the
street. Do you plan to stay in this town long?
McNaughten The less, the better. I can see nothing to like about it. I'm
only here to get