The McNaughtens | Page 4

I have no time. But, sir-- Would you kindly open up--"
They need maybe a hundred words in their vocabulary. They give me a
headache. Finally, when you need them for something, they're more
proud and stuck up than an archbishop.
Captain What! Do you mean to pretend you stayed at the customs
house until just now?
Spruce Oh, no. Seeing the customs inspector was about to take more
than an hour--besides, he had a disagreeable phiz--I preferred to wait at
a tavern.
Captain Your yen for brew always gets the best of you. Does wine
command you always?
Spruce Everyone has his weakness, sir.-- As you are well aware. It's the
bad example more than the brew that puts me down the wrong road. I'd
really like to live a clean life--
Captain Why do you always keep bad company, then?
Spruce I've made several efforts to avoid it--all in vain. I like you a lot
and I don't want to leave you.
Captain What's that, scoundrel?
Spruce Sir, an ancient custom of speaking my mind gives me the right.

My case is like your own. I've seen you drunk more than once in a
tavern, and many's the time I had to help you home to bed. I've never
scolded you much about these little escapades--we ought not to
mention other people's infirmities-- Forget them, since they forget ours.
Captain I'll forgive you for liking your bottle--if I thought that was your
only vice--but your penchant for one sin carries you on to a thousand
others. You have a strange passion for gambling.
Spruce Oh, if I gamble a little it's only to spend the time while you are
spending the night in certain black gambling dens. I hear you swearing
right up to the door. I swear, too, when luck is against me. And who
can tell us apart? You swear in your room, and I swear on the stairs. I
imitate you in every respect. You drink, gamble, and love with extreme
passion, and I drink, gamble--and love a little, too. And if I am a flirt,
it's because you are one, too. Consummate in the art, I might add. You
go every day with a vagabond ardor, raffling off all the ladies--from
blond to brunette. Today, Flavella dominates you--you say you love
her--but I don't know why.
Captain You don't know why! Is it possible you refuse to render
homage to her charms, to her divine eyes? I saw her at her aunt's, where
I was quite enchanted. She wounded me to the heart.
Spruce Yet you have an attentive soul for her crazy Aunt--Urania. Now
I approve of Urania. Perfect choice. Without her money we'd be in an
awful fix. Meanwhile, I profit, too. You cajole the Aunt, and I corrupt
Jenny, her maid-- Thus, you see--
Captain Yes, I see--in a word you think you know everything. You are
nothing but a near sighted fool! To prevent yourself from uttering some
new stupidity, shut up, and take my trunk to the hotel.
Spruce (picking up the trunk) I obey. But if I should want to speak on
this vain subject again, believe me, I can hold forth at some length.
Captain Oh, be quiet!

Spruce When I have a mind to, I can speak better than anybody--
Captain Wait! Whose trunk is this?
Spruce Huh! By George, it's yours.
Captain It doesn't in the least look like mine.
Spruce For a while, I had the same suspicion as you. But it's got your
name and address on it--and that relieved my mind of any doubt. (puts
the trunk down) Here, read the words very plainly written. To
McNaughten, London.
Captain True, but wait a bit,--what do you say to this? It's not my
handwriting. Therefore, it is not my trunk.
Spruce You're right. But it resembles your handwriting a great deal.
Captain You acted impulsively in taking this trunk.
Spruce But, sir, do you take me for a fool? In returning from Flanders,
where you had an abrupt discharge from your regiment, did I not put
the trunk, at your instruction, on a stage coach bound for London, so
that we might travel more quickly. And didn't I obey you? I've done
everything right in this whole business. No reproaches, please.
Captain We'll soon see whether this was your fault or not. Open it up
and let's try to get to the bottom of this mystery.
Spruce (taking out a ring of keys) Sir, in a second, I am going to satisfy
you. (trying a key) My goodness! The key doesn't fit.
Captain Break it open.
Spruce If you want me to, I won't object. Let's begin proceedings. (after
some efforts, Spruce manages to open the trunk) (Spruce looks in and
stares)
Captain What's wrong