The Little Man | Page 7

his paper. And that paper and the one opposite are
seen to shake, and little sguirls and squeaks emerge.]
GERMAN. And you haf got her bundle, and her baby. Ha! [He cackles
drily.]
AMERICAN. [Gravely] I smile. I guess Providence has played it pretty
low down on you. It's sure acted real mean.
[The BABY wails, and the LITTLE MAN jigs it with a sort of gentle
desperation, looking apologetically from face to face. His wistful
glance renews the fore of merriment wherever it alights. The
AMERICAN alone preserves a gravity which seems incapable of being
broken.]

AMERICAN. Maybe you'd better get off right smart and restore that
baby. There's nothing can act madder than a mother.
LITTLE MAN. Poor thing, yes! What she must be suffering!
[A gale of laughter shakes the carriage. The ENGLISH for a moment
drop their papers, the better to indulge. The LITTLE MAN smiles a
wintry smile.]
AMERICAN. [In a lull] How did it eventuate?
LITTLE MAN. We got there just as the train was going to start; and I
jumped, thinking I could help her up. But it moved too quickly,
and--and left her.
[The gale of laughter blows up again.]
AMERICAN. Guess I'd have thrown the baby out to her.
LITTLE MAN. I was afraid the poor little thing might break.
[The Baby wails; the LITTLE MAN heaves it; the gale of laughter
blows.]
AMERICAN. [Gravely] It's highly entertaining--not for the baby. What
kind of an old baby is it, anyway? [He sniff's] I judge it's a bit--niffy.
LITTLE MAN. Afraid I've hardly looked at it yet.
AMERICAN. Which end up is it?
LITTLE MAM. Oh! I think the right end. Yes, yes, it is.
AMERICAN. Well, that's something. Maybe you should hold it out of
window a bit. Very excitable things, babies!
ENGLISHWOMAN. [Galvanized] No, no!
ENGLISHMAN. [Touching her knee] My dear!

AMERICAN. You are right, ma'am. I opine there's a draught out there.
This baby is precious. We've all of us got stock in this baby in a manner
of speaking. This is a little bit of universal brotherhood. Is it a woman
baby?
LITTLE MAN. I--I can only see the top of its head.
AMERICAN. You can't always tell from that. It looks kind of
over-wrapped up. Maybe it had better be unbound.
GERMAN. 'Nein, nein, nein'!
AMERICAN. I think you are very likely right, colonel. It might be a
pity to unbind that baby. I guess the lady should be consulted in this
matter.
ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, yes, of course----!
ENGLISHMAN. [Touching her] Let it be! Little beggar seems all right.
AMERICAN. That would seem only known to Providence at this
moment. I judge it might be due to humanity to look at its face.
LITTLE MAN. [Gladly] It's sucking my' finger. There, there--nice little
thing--there!
AMERICAN. I would surmise in your leisure moments you have
created babies, sir?
LITTLE MAN. Oh! no--indeed, no.
AMERICAN. Dear me!--That is a loss. [Addressing himself to the
carriage at large] I think we may esteem ourselves fortunate to have
this little stranger right here with us. Demonstrates what a hold the little
and weak have upon us nowadays. The colonel here--a man of blood
and iron--there he sits quite calm next door to it. [He sniffs] Now, this
baby is rather chastening--that is a sign of grace, in the colonel--that is
true heroism.

LITTLE MAN. [Faintly] I--I can see its face a little now.
[All bend forward.]
AMERICAN. What sort of a physiognomy has it, anyway?
LITTLE MAN. [Still faintly] I don't see anything but--but spots.
GERMAN. Oh! Ha! Pfui!
[The DUTCH YOUTH laughs.]
AMERICAN. I am told that is not uncommon amongst babies. Perhaps
we could have you inform us, ma'am.
ENGLISHWOMAN. Yes, of course--only what sort of----
LITTLE MAN. They seem all over its----[At the slight recoil of
everyone] I feel sure it's--it's quite a good baby underneath.
AMERICAN. That will be rather difficult to come at. I'm just a bit
sensitive. I've very little use for affections of the epidermis.
GERMAN. Pfui! [He has edged away as far as he can get, and is
lighting a big cigar]
[The DUTCH YOUTH draws his legs back.]
AMERICAN. [Also taking out a cigar] I guess it would be well to
fumigate this carriage. Does it suffer, do you think?
LITTLE MAN. [Peering] Really, I don't--I'm not sure--I know so little
about babies. I think it would have a nice expression--if--if it showed.
AMERICAN. Is it kind of boiled looking?
LITTLE MAN. Yes--yes, it is.
AMERICAN. [Looking gravely round] I judge this baby has the

measles.
[The GERMAN screws himself spasmodically against the arm of the
ENGLISHWOMAN'S seat.]
ENGLISHWOMAN. Poor little thing! Shall I----?
[She half rises.]
ENGLISHMAN. [Touching her] No, no----Dash it!
AMERICAN. I honour your emotion, ma'am. It does credit to us all.
But