The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman | Page 5

law to practise, as his
wife had given by institution,--he cheerfully paid the fees for the ordinary's licence
himself, amounting in the whole, to the sum of eighteen shillings and four pence; so that
betwixt them both, the good woman was fully invested in the real and corporal
possession of her office, together with all its rights, members, and appurtenances
whatsoever.
These last words, you must know, were not according to the old form in which such
licences, faculties, and powers usually ran, which in like cases had heretofore been
granted to the sisterhood. But it was according to a neat Formula of Didius his own
devising, who having a particular turn for taking to pieces, and new framing over again
all kind of instruments in that way, not only hit upon this dainty amendment, but coaxed
many of the old licensed matrons in the neighbourhood, to open their faculties afresh, in
order to have this wham-wham of his inserted.
I own I never could envy Didius in these kinds of fancies of his:--But every man to his
own taste.--Did not Dr. Kunastrokius, that great man, at his leisure hours, take the
greatest delight imaginable in combing of asses tails, and plucking the dead hairs out with

his teeth, though he had tweezers always in his pocket? Nay, if you come to that, Sir,
have not the wisest of men in all ages, not excepting Solomon himself,--have they not
had their Hobby-Horses;--their running horses,--their coins and their cockle-shells, their
drums and their trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets,--their maggots and their
butterflies?--and so long as a man rides his Hobby-Horse peaceably and quietly along the
King's highway, and neither compels you or me to get up behind him,--pray, Sir, what
have either you or I to do with it?
Chapter 1.
VIII.
--De gustibus non est disputandum;--that is, there is no disputing against Hobby-Horses;
and for my part, I seldom do; nor could I with any sort of grace, had I been an enemy to
them at the bottom; for happening, at certain intervals and changes of the moon, to be
both fidler and painter, according as the fly stings:--Be it known to you, that I keep a
couple of pads myself, upon which, in their turns, (nor do I care who knows it) I
frequently ride out and take the air;--though sometimes, to my shame be it spoken, I take
somewhat longer journies than what a wise man would think altogether right.--But the
truth is,--I am not a wise man;--and besides am a mortal of so little consequence in the
world, it is not much matter what I do: so I seldom fret or fume at all about it: Nor does it
much disturb my rest, when I see such great Lords and tall Personages as hereafter
follow;--such, for instance, as my Lord A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, and
so on, all of a row, mounted upon their several horses,-- some with large stirrups, getting
on in a more grave and sober pace;-- others on the contrary, tucked up to their very chins,
with whips across their mouths, scouring and scampering it away like so many little
party- coloured devils astride a mortgage,--and as if some of them were resolved to break
their necks.--So much the better--say I to myself;--for in case the worst should happen,
the world will make a shift to do excellently well without them; and for the
rest,--why--God speed them--e'en let them ride on without opposition from me; for were
their lordships unhorsed this very night--'tis ten to one but that many of them would be
worse mounted by one half before tomorrow morning.
Not one of these instances therefore can be said to break in upon my rest.- -But there is
an instance, which I own puts me off my guard, and that is, when I see one born for great
actions, and what is still more for his honour, whose nature ever inclines him to good
ones;--when I behold such a one, my Lord, like yourself, whose principles and conduct
are as generous and noble as his blood, and whom, for that reason, a corrupt world cannot
spare one moment;--when I see such a one, my Lord, mounted, though it is but for a
minute beyond the time which my love to my country has prescribed to him, and my zeal
for his glory wishes,--then, my Lord, I cease to be a philosopher, and in the first transport
of an honest impatience, I wish the Hobby-Horse, with all his fraternity, at the Devil.

'My Lord, I maintain this to be a dedication, notwithstanding its singularity in the three
great essentials of matter, form and place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it as