The Jest Book | Page 8

highly indignant at the "a," and had a great inclination to pick a quarrel with Scrope Davies, who replied that he supposed Mr. ---- wanted to be called the Mr. So-and-so. He ever afterwards went by the name of the "Definite Article."
LXXVII.--A BANKER'S CHECK.
ROGERS, when a certain M.P., in a review of his poems, said "he wrote very well for a banker," wrote, in return, the following:--
"They say he has no heart, and I deny it: He has a heart, and--gets his speeches by it."
LXXVIII.--A FILLIP FOR HIM.
THE present Lord Chancellor remarked of a young barrister who had just made a speech of more poetry than law, "Poor young man, he has studied the wrong Phillips."
LXXIX.--BLACK OILS.
"WHAT'S the matter?" inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. "Matter! matter enough," exclaimed the delinquent, "pressing a poor negro to get oil."
LXXX.--A BAD CROP.
A SEEDSMAN being lately held to bail for using inflammatory language respecting the Reform Bill, a wag observed, it was probably in the line of his profession--to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.
LXXXI.--A GRAVE DOCTOR.
COUNSELLOR CRIPS being on a party at Castle-Martyr, one of the company, a physician, strolled out before dinner into the churchyard. Dinner being served, and the doctor not returned, some one expressed his surprise where he could be gone to. "Oh," says the counsellor, "he is but just stept out to pay a visit to some of his old patients."
LXXXII.--WASTE POWDER.
DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of a very small volume remarkable for its pomposity, replied, "That it was similar to placing an eight-and-forty pounder at the door of a pigsty."
LXXXIII.--THE SADDLE ON THE RIGHT HORSE.
AS a man who, deeply involved in debt, was walking in the street with a very melancholy air, one of his acquaintance asked him why he was so sorrowful. "Alas!" said he, "I am in a state of insolvency."--"Well," said his friend, "if that is the case, it is not you, but your creditors, who ought to wear a woful countenance."
LXXXIV.--BLACK AND WHITE.
DURING the short time that Lord Byron was in Parliament, a petition, setting forth the wretched condition of the Irish peasantry, was one evening presented, and very coldly received by the "hereditary legislative wisdom."--"Ah," said Lord Byron, "what a misfortune it was for the Irish that they were not born black! They would then have had plenty of friends in both houses."
LXXXV.--HOME IS HOME.
"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an affected dandy in Colman's hearing. "I don't wonder at it," replied George; "since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last."
LXXXVI.--A LIGHT STUDY.
AS a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him and said, "Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy?"--"No, sir," replied the alderman, "I am studying gas-tronomy."
LXXXVII.--A CLIMAX.
A VERY volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. "Now, my lord," said the countess, "I hope you'll mend."--"Madam," says he, "you may depend on it this is my last folly."
LXXXVIII.--SIMPLE DIVISION.
WHEN the Earl of Bradford was brought before the Lord Chancellor, to be examined upon application for a statute of lunacy against him, the chancellor asked him, "How many legs has a sheep?"--"Does your lordship mean," answered Lord Bradford, "a live sheep or a dead sheep?"--"Is it not the same thing?" said the chancellor. "No, my lord," said Lord Bradford, "there is much difference; a live sheep may have four legs; a dead sheep has only two: the two fore legs are shoulders; but there are but two legs of mutton."
LXXXIX.--HERO-PHOBIA.
WHEN George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the General was mad. "Oh! he is mad, is he!" said the king, with great quickness, "then I wish he would bite some other of my generals."
XC.--LYING CONSISTENTLY.
TWO old ladies, who were known to be of the same age, had the same desire to keep the real number concealed; one therefore used upon a New-year's-day to go to the other, and say, "Madam, I am come to know how old we are to be this year."
XCI.--NOT RIGHT.
A PRISONER being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. "Hold up your right hand," said the clerk. "Please your honor," said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, "I am left-handed."
XCII.--LIGHT-HEADED.
DR. BURNEY, who wrote the celebrated anagram on Lord Nelson, after his victory of the Nile, "Honor est a Nilo" (Horatio Nelson), was shortly after on a visit to his