The Jest Book | Page 7

him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always quarrelling with me?"--"I hope your Majesty is not angry with me," quoth the doctor, "for telling the truth."--"No, no," says the king, "but I would have us for the future be friends."--"Well, well," quoth the doctor, "I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as you mend I'll mend."
LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.
A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. "Never mind that," said the man of dough, "you will have the less to carry."--"True," replied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left money enough. "Never mind that," said young sooty, "you will have the less to count."
LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: "That I will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lordship remember me? My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lordship for stealing sheep?"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife? she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky, we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honor of meeting again."
LXV.--A LATE EDITION.
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer, "That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, but not till then."
LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--"The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women."
LXVIII.--A DIALOGUE.
Pope.
SINCE my old friend is grown so great, As to be minister of state, I'm told (but 'tis not true I hope) That Craggs will be ashamed of Pope.
Craggs.
ALAS! if I am such a creature, To grow the worse for growing greater, Why, faith, in spite of all my brags, 'Tis Pope must be ashamed of Craggs.
LXIX.--BEAR AND VAN.
THE facetious Mr. Bearcroft told his friend Mr. Vansittart, "Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van for the future."--"With all my heart," said he: "by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear!"
LXX.--EPITAPH FOR SIR JOHN VANBRUGH.
LIE heavy on him, Earth! for he Laid many heavy loads on thee!
LXXI.--PROVING THEIR METAL.
WHEN the Prince of Orange, afterwards William the Third, came over to this country, five of the seven bishops who were sent to the Tower declared for his highness; but the other two would not come into the measures. Upon which Dryden said, that "the seven golden candlesticks them proved prince's metal."
LXXII.--A DISTANT PROSPECT.
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. Porson, walking that way with a friend, and observing the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it."
LXXIII.--SOUND SLEEPER.
A MAN meeting his friend, said, "I spoke to you last night in a dream."--"Pardon me," replied the other, "I did not hear you."
LXXIV.--A CHEAP CURE.
"PRAY, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout?" asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. "Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it!" was the pithy answer.
LXXV.--EPIGRAM.
YOU say, without reward or fee, Your uncle cur'd me of a dang'rous ill; I say he never did prescribe for me, The proof is plain,--I'm living still.
LXXVI.--A GRAMMATICAL DISTINCTION.
SEVERAL young gentlemen once got up a play at Cambridge. On the day of representation one of the performers took it into his head to make an excuse, and his part was obliged to be read. Hobhouse came forward to apologize to the audience, and told them that a Mr. ---- had declined to perform his part. The gentleman was