The Jest Book | Page 5

me."
XXXVII.--PLEASANT INVITATION.
SOME years ago, says Richardson, in his anecdotes of painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house. "I have," says he, "a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. Little H. the other day came to see it, and says it is a copy. If any one says so again, I'll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favor to come, and give me your real opinion of it?"
XXXVIII.--WELL-BRED HORSE.
"HOW does your new-purchased horse answer?" said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. "I really don't know," replied George, "for I never asked him a question."
XXXIX.--"ONE FOR HIS NOB."
A BARRISTER entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not at all apprised, but was obliged to endure from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, "Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig."--"Nothing but the head," was the answer.
XL.--SOUND AND FURY.
A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonato on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No, madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable."
XLI.--COME OF AGE.
A YOUNG man met a rival who was somewhat advanced in years, and, wishing to annoy him, inquired how old he was? "I can't exactly tell," replied the other; "but I can inform you that an ass is older at twenty than a man at sixty!"
XLII.--A STRIKING NOTICE.
THE following admonition was addressed by a Quaker to a man who was pouring forth a volley of ill language against him: "Have a care, friend, thou mayest run thy face against my fist."
XLIII.--UP IN THE WORLD.
A FELLOW boasting in company of his family, declared even his own father died in an exalted situation. Some of the company looking incredulous, another observed, "I can bear testimony to the gentleman's veracity, as my father was sheriff for the county when his was hanged for horse-stealing."
XLIV.--REVERSE OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
WHEN General V---- was quartered in a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged as they got into their carriage by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities. One morning, as Mrs. V. stepped into the carriage, the woman began: "Oh, my lady! success to your ladyship, and success to your honor's honor: for sure I did not dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of tea, and your honor gave me a pound of tobacco."--"My good woman," said the general, "dreams go by the rule of contrary."--"Do they so?" rejoined the old woman; "then it must mean, that your honor will give me the tea, and her ladyship the tobacco."
XLV.--A DOGGED ANSWER.
BOSWELL, dining one day with Dr. Johnson, asked him if he did not think that a good cook was more essential to the community than a good poet. "I don't suppose," said the doctor, "that there's a dog in the town but what thinks so."
XLVI.--VISIBLE DARKNESS.
A GENTLEMAN at an inn, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of decent candles to see how these others burn."
XLVII.--HIC-CUPPING.
A GENTLEMAN, at whose house Swift was dining in Ireland, after dinner introduced remarkably small hock-glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him: "Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, h?c, hoc, with you."--"Sir," rejoined the doctor, "I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass."
XLVIII.--WORDS THAT BURN.
DR. ROBERTSON observed, that Johnson's jokes were the rebukes of the righteous, described in Scripture as being like excellent oil. "Yes," exclaimed Burke, "oil of vitriol!"
XLIX.--PASSING THE BOTTLE.
FOOTE being in company, and the wine producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist's head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company by observing, that "if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening."
L.--"JUNIUS" DISCOVERED.
MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, "Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question?"--"At your peril, sir!" was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. "I don't know," he answered, "whether he is Junius; but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus."
LI.--A WEAK