The Jest Book | Page 4

into "a shock of the nervous system." Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered for a nervous complaint, was asked in her turn, "What brought her to Buxton?"--"I came only for pleasure," answered the healthy duchess; "for, thank God, I was born before nerves came into fashion."
XXIII.--A WISE SON WHO KNEW HIS OWN FATHER.
SHERIDAN was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman of large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son's heart. Sheridan, expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, "Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I'll cut you off with a shilling!" Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and looking archly at his father said, "Then, sir, you must borrow it." Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.
XXIV.--A WRITTEN CHARACTER.
GEORGE III. having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. "What's this?" said his majesty. "The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought," was the answer. "Take it back, take it back," said the king, laughing; "it will do very well for the next horse you sell."
XXV.--WELL MATCHED.
DR. BUSBY, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, "May I pass to my seat, O Giant?" When the doctor, politely making way, replied, "Pass, O Pigmy!"--"O, sir," said the baronet, "my expression alluded to the size of your intellect."--"And my expression, sir," said the doctor, "to the size of yours."
XXVI.--A PARDONABLE MISTAKE.
A BUTCHER of some eminence was lately in company with several ladies at a game of whist, where, having lost two or three rubbers, one of the ladies addressing him, asked, "Pray, sir, what are the stakes now?" To which, ever mindful of his occupation, he immediately replied, "Madam, the best rump I cannot sell lower than tenpence halfpenny a pound."
XXVII.--THREE CAUSES.
THREE gentlemen being in a coffee-house, one called for a dram, because he was hot. "Bring me another," says his companion, "because I am cold." The third, who sat by and heard them, very quietly called out, "Here, boy, bring me a glass, because I like it."
XXVIII.--THE CONNOISSEUR.
A PERSON to whom the curiosities, buildings, &c., in Oxford were shown one very hot day, was asked by his companion if he would see the remainder of the University. "My dear sir," replied the connoisseur, "I am stone blind already."
XXIX.--A SYMBOL.
A SATIRIC poet underwent a severe drubbing, and was observed to walk ever afterwards with a stick. "Mr. P. reminds me," says a wag, "of some of the saints, who are always painted with the symbols of their martyrdom."
XXX.--THE ONE THING WANTING.
IN a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, "I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match; I think you want the brimstone";--she replied, "No, not the brimstone, only the spark."
XXXI.--A HORSE LAUGH.
A COACHMAN, extolling the sagacity of one of his horses, observed, that "if anybody was to go for to use him ill, he would bear malice like a Christian."
XXXII.--ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER.
DR. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct, as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!"
XXXIII.--A NOVEL COMPLAINT.
A RICH man sent to call a physician for a slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse, and said, "Do you eat well?"--"Yes," said the patient. "Do you sleep well?"--"I do."--"Then," said the physician, "I shall give you something to take away all that!"
XXXIV.--A CONJUGAL CAUTION.
SIR GEORGE ETHEREGE, having run up a score at Lockit's, absented himself from the ordinary. In consequence of this, Mrs. Lockit was sent to dun him and threaten him with an action. He told the messenger that he would certainly kiss her if she stirred a step in it! On this, the message being brought, she called for her hood and scarf, and told her husband, who interposed, "that she should see if there was any fellow alive that had the impudence!"--"Pr'ythee, my dear, don't be so rash," replied the good man; "you don't know what a man may do in a passion."
XXXV.--A PORTRAIT CAPITALLY EXECUTED.
IN a bookseller's catalogue lately appeared the following article: "Memoirs of Charles the First,--with, a head capitally executed."
XXXVI.--MATTER IN HIS MADNESS.
A LUNATIC in Bedlam was asked how he came there? He answered, "By a dispute."--"What dispute?" The bedlamite replied, "The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad, and they outwitted