The Inca of Perusalem | Page 9

takes himself very seriously.
THE INCA. Why should he not, madam? Providence has entrusted to
his family the care of a mighty empire. He is in a position of half divine,
half paternal, responsibility towards sixty millions of people, whose
duty it is to die for him at the word of command. To take himself
otherwise than seriously would be blasphemous. It is a punishable
offence--severely punishable--in Perusalem. It is called
Incadisparagement.
ERMYNTRUDE. How cheerful! Can he laugh?
THE INCA. Certainly, madam. [He laughs, harshly and mirthlessly.]
Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
ERMYNTRUDE [frigidly]. I asked could the Inca laugh. I did not ask
could you laugh.
THE INCA. That is true, madam. [Chuckling.] Devilish amusing, that!
[He laughs, genially and sincerely, and becomes a much more
agreeable person.] Pardon me: I am now laughing because I cannot
help it. I am amused. The other was merely an imitation: a failure, I
admit.
ERMYNTRUDE. You intimated that you had some business?
THE INCA [producing a very large jewel case, and relapsing into
solemnity. I am instructed by the Allerhochst to take a careful note of
your features and figure, and, if I consider them satisfactory, to present
you with this trifling token of His Imperial Majesty's regard. I do
consider them satisfactory. Allow me [he opens the jewel case and
presents it.]
ERMYNTRUDE [staring at the contents]. What awful taste he must
have! I can't wear that.
THE INCA [reddening]. Take care, madam! This brooch was designed
by the Inca himself. Allow me to explain the design. In the centre, the
shield of Arminius. The ten surrounding medallions represent the ten
castles of His Majesty. The rim is a piece of the telephone cable laid by

His Majesty across the Shipskeel canal. The pin is a model in miniature
of the sword of Henry the Birdcatcher.
ERMYNTRUDE. Miniature! It must be bigger than the original. My
good man, you don't expect me to wear this round my neck: it's as big
as a turtle. [He shuts the case with an angry snap.] How much did it
cost?
THE INCA. For materials and manufacture alone, half a million
Perusalem dollars, madam. The Inca's design constitutes it a work of art.
As such, it is now worth probably ten million dollars.
ERMYNTRUDE. Give it to me [she snatches it]. I'll pawn it and buy
something nice with the money.
THE INCA. Impossible, madam. A design by the Inca must not be
exhibited for sale in the shop window of a pawnbroker. [He flings
himself into his chair, fuming.]
ERMYNTRUDE. So much the better. The Inca will have to redeem it
to save himself from that disgrace; and the poor pawnbroker will get
his money back. Nobody would buy it, you know.
THE INCA. May I ask why?
ERMYNTRUDL. Well, look at it! Just look at it! I ask you!
THE INCA [his moustache drooping ominously]. I am sorry to have to
report to the Inca that you have no soul for fine art. [He rises sulkily.]
The position of daughter-in-law to the Inca is not compatible with the
tastes of a pig. [He attempts to take back the brooch.]
ERMYNTRUDE [rising and retreating behind her chair with the
brooch]. Here! you let that brooch alone. You presented it to me on
behalf of the Inca. It is mine. You said my appearance was satisfactory.
THE INCA. Your appearance is not satisfactory. The Inca would not
allow his son to marry you if the boy were on a desert island and you
were the only other human being on it [he strides up the room.]
ERMYNTRUDE [calmly sitting down and replacing the case on the
table]. How could he? There would be no clergyman to marry us. It
would have to be quite morganatic.
THE INCA [returning]. Such an expression is out of place in the mouth
of a princess aspiring to the highest destiny on earth. You have the
morals of a dragoon. [She receives this with a shriek of laughter. He
struggles with his sense of humor.] At the same time [he sits down]
there is a certain coarse fun in the idea which compels me to smile [he

turns up his moustache and smiles.]
ERMYNTRUDE. When I marry the Inca's son, Captain, I shall make
the Inca order you to cut off that moustache. It is too irresistible.
Doesn't it fascinate everyone in Perusalem?
THE INCA [leaning forward to her energetically]. By all the thunders
of Thor, madam, it fascinates the whole world.
ERMYNTRUDE. What I like about you, Captain Duval, is your
modesty.
THE INCA [straightening up suddenly]. Woman, do not be a fool.
ERMYNTRUDE [indignant]. Well!
THE INCA. You must look facts in the face. This moustache is an
exact copy of the Inca's moustache. Well, does the world occupy