The Great Adventure | Page 4

of those comic valets. Nervousness again, no doubt.
CARVE. (Smiling and continuing.) Seeing the way he invariably flouted the public, it's always been a mystery to me how he managed to make a name, to say nothing of money.
PASCOE. Money! He must make pots. You say I don't go in for art much, but I always read the big sales at Christie's. Why, wasn't it that policeman picture that Lord Leonard Alcar bought for 2000 guineas last year?
CARVE. No, not Alcar. I think the bobby was last bought by Texel.
PASCOE. Texel? Who's Texel?
CARVE. Collector--United States--one of their kings, I'm told.
PASCOE. Oh, him! Controls all the ink in the United States.
CARVE. Really! That's what I should call influence. No. It was the "Pelicans feeding their Young" that Alcar bought. Four thousand. You're getting mixed up.
PASCOE. Perhaps I am. I know I'm constantly seeing Mr. Carve's name in connection with Lord Leonard Alcar's. It's a nice question which is the best known of the two.
CARVE. Then the--governor really is famous in England? You see we never come to England.
PASCOE. Famous--I should think he was. Aren't they always saying he's the finest colourist since Titian? And look at his prices!
CARVE. Yes. I've looked at his prices. Titian's prices are higher, but Titian isn't what you'd call famous with the general public, is he? What I want to know is--is the governor famous among the general public?
PASCOE. Yes.
CARVE. About how famous should you say he is?
PASCOE. (Hesitating.) Well--(abruptly) that's a silly question.
CARVE. No, it isn't. Is he as famous as--er--Harry Lauder?
PASCOE. (Shakes his head.) You mustn't go to extremes.
CARVE. Is he as famous as Harry Vardon?
PASCOE. Never heard of him.
CARVE. I only see these names in the papers. Is he as famous as Bernard Shaw?
PASCOE. Yes, I should say he was.
CARVE. Oh, well that's not so bad. Better than I thought! It's so difficult to judge where one is--er--personally concerned. Especially if you're never on the spot.
PASCOE. So it's true Mr. Carve never comes to England?
CARVE. Why should he come to England? He isn't a portrait painter. It's true he owns this house, but surely that isn't sufficient excuse for living in a place like England?
PASCOE. Of course, if you look at it like that, there's no particular attractiveness in England that I've ever seen. But that answer wouldn't satisfy Redcliffe Gardens. Redcliffe Gardens is persuaded that there must be a special reason.
CARVE. Well, there is.
PASCOE. (Interested, in spite of himself.) Indeed!
CARVE. (Confidentially.) Have a cigarette? (Offering case.)
PASCOE. (Staggered anew, but accepting.) That's a swagger case.
CARVE. Oh! (Calmly.) He gave it me.
PASCOE. Really?
CARVE. Well, you see we're more like brothers--been together so long. He gives me his best suits too. Look at this waistcoat. (Motions the hypnotised PASCOE to take a chair. They light their cigarettes.)
(Enter HORNING.)
PASCOE. (Somewhat impatient.) He's not worse already?
HORNING. Where's that brandy and water?
PASCOE. Be careful. He's had about enough of that.
HORNING. Seeing I've had no dinner yet--I thought it might suit me. (Exit with tumbler.)
PASCOE. (To Carve with renewed eagerness.) So there is a special reason why you keep out of England.
CARVE. Yes--shyness.
PASCOE. How--shyness?
CARVE. Just simple shyness. Shyness is a disease with the governor, a perfect disease.
PASCOE. But everyone's shy. The more experience I get the more convinced I am that we're all shy. Why, you were shy when you came to fetch me!
CARVE. Did you notice it?
PASCOE. Of course. And I was shy when I came in here. I was thinking to myself, "Now I'm going to see the great Ilam Carve actually in the flesh," and I was shy. You'd think my profession would have cured me of being shy, but not a bit. Nervous disease, of course! Ought to be treated as such. Almost universal. Besides, even if he is shy, your governor--even if he's a hundredfold shy, that's no reason for keeping out of England. Shyness is not one of those diseases you can cure by change of climate.
CARVE. Pardon me. My esteemed employer's shyness is a special shyness. He's only shy when he has to play the celebrity. So long as people take him for no one in particular he's quite all right. For instance, he's never shy with me. But instantly people approach him as the celebrity, instantly he sees in the eye of the beholder any consciousness of being in the presence of a toff--then he gets desperately shy, and his one desire is to be alone at sea or to be buried somewhere deep in the bosom of the earth. (PASCOE laughs.) What are you laughing at? (CARVE also laughs.)
PASCOE. Go on, go on. I'm enjoying it.
CARVE. No, but seriously! It's true what I tell you. It amounts almost to a tragedy in the brilliant career of my esteemed. You see now that England would be impossible for him as a residence.