The Golden Age | Page 8

serve as a butt for senseless adult jokes,--or
what, from the accompanying guffaws of laughter, appeared to be

intended for jokes. Now, we were anxious that he should have a
perfectly fair trial; so in the tool-house, between breakfast and lessons,
we discussed and examined all his witticisms, one by one, calmly,
critically, dispassionately. It was no good; we could not discover any
salt in them. And as only a genuine gift of humour could have saved
Uncle Thomas,--for he pretended to naught besides,--he was reluctantly
writ down a hopeless impostor.
Uncle George--the youngest--was distinctly more promising. He
accompanied us cheerily round the establishment,--suffered himself to
be introduced to each of the cows, held out the right hand of fellowship
to the pig, and even hinted that a pair of pink-eyed Himalayan rabbits
might arrive--unexpectedly--from town some day. We were just
considering whether in this fertile soil an apparently accidental remark
on the solid qualities of guinea- pigs or ferrets might haply blossom and
bring forth fruit, when our governess appeared on the scene. Uncle
George's manner at once underwent a complete and contemptible
change. His interest in rational topics seemed, "like a fountain's
sickening pulse," to flag and ebb away; and though Miss Smedley's
ostensible purpose was to take Selina for her usual walk, I can vouch
for it that Selina spent her morning ratting, along with the keeper's boy
and me; while, if Miss Smedley walked with any one, it would appear
to have been with Uncle George.
But despicable as his conduct had been, he underwent no hasty
condemnation. The defection was discussed in all its bearings, but it
seemed sadly clear at last that this uncle must possess some innate
badness of character and fondness for low company. We who from
daily experience knew Miss Smedley like a book--were we not only too
well aware that she had neither accomplishments nor charms, no
characteristic, in fact, but an inbred viciousness of temper and
disposition? True, she knew the dates of the English kings by heart; but
how could that profit Uncle George, who, having passed into the army,
had ascended beyond the need of useful information? Our bows and
arrows, on the other hand, had been freely placed at his disposal; and a
soldier should not have hesitated in his choice a moment. No: Uncle
George had fallen from grace, and was unanimously damned. And the
non-arrival of the Himalayan rabbits was only another nail in his coffin.
Uncles, therefore, were just then a heavy and lifeless market, and there

was little inclination to deal. Still it was agreed that Uncle William,
who had just returned from India, should have as fair a trial as the
others; more especially as romantic possibilities might well be
embodied in one who had held the gorgeous East in fee.
Selina had kicked my shins--like the girl she is!--during a scuffle in the
passage, and I was still rubbing them with one hand when I found that
the uncle-on-approbation was half- heartedly shaking the other. A
florid, elderly man, and unmistakably nervous, he dropped our grimy
paws in succession, and, turning very red, with an awkward simulation
of heartiness, "Well, h' are y' all?" he said, "Glad to see me, eh?" As we
could hardly, in justice, be expected to have formed an opinion on him
at that early stage, we could but look at each other in silence; which
scarce served to relieve the tension of the situation. Indeed, the cloud
never really lifted during his stay. In talking it over later, some one put
forward the suggestion that he must at some time or other have
committed a stupendous crime; but I could not bring myself to believe
that the man, though evidently unhappy, was really guilty of anything;
and I caught him once or twice looking at us with evident kindliness,
though seeing himself observed, he blushed and turned away his head.
When at last the atmosphere was clear of this depressing influence, we
met despondently in the potato-cellar--all of us, that is, but Harold, who
had been told off to accompany his relative to the station; and the
feeling was unanimous, that, at an uncle, William could not be allowed
to pass. Selina roundly declared him a beast, pointing out that he had
not even got us a half-holiday; and, indeed, there seemed little to do but
to pass sentence. We were about to put it, when Harold appeared on the
scene; his red face, round eyes, and mysterious demeanour, hinting at
awful portents. Speechless he stood a space: then, slowly drawing his
hand from the pocket of his knickerbockers, he displayed on a dirty
palm one--two--three--four half-crowns! We could but gaze--tranced,
breathless, mute; never had any of us seen, in the aggregate, so much
bullion before. Then