The Follies of Love | Page 6

many others of the same type that you employ--do you believe that you will make her love you?
Albert That's not your worry; suffice that I wish it.
Jenny Go on, at your age, to wish to taste of marriage a second time. Crazier still, to be amorous of a fifteen year old, and yet crazier to plan to cage her up. I count three extravagances in this plan--likely to be funereal in its consequence--and the least of them leads straight to Bedlam.
Albert I have excellent reasons for my conduct.
Jenny Thanks to the effects of celestial bounty, I have my virtue intact. But, if I had a husband or a lover of your mind, they'd have horns all over their heads, by God! If you choose me to take on this trouble, I tell you plainly, your hope is vain. I don't intend to meddle in your cowardly plans. The case is too villainous, and I wash my hands of it.
Albert Do you know that after having employed persuasion, I also know how to employ intimidation?
Jenny Storm, swear, howl--go into a fit, you will only hear me repeat again, that a jealous man is a frightful thing--a thing one would cheerfully see buried a hundred feet underground. There is nothing more hideous-- not Satan, Lucifer, and the many other gentleman-inhabitants of hell. They are much more handsome, charming, love-killers--less cruel and less insupportable--than certain jealous creatures such as one sees about here. You understand me--I have spoken and I will retire. Goodbye.
(Exit Jenny.)
Albert All the world is busy here plotting to betray me. One would conclude they have no greater joy. Jenny's worth nothing, but from fear of worse, I'll keep her. I will not let what people say, or their criticism prevent me from accomplishing the plan my heart is bent on realizing.
(Enter Scratch.)
Scratch (aside) My master, Mr. Worthy, who is waiting for me at the nearby inn, has sent me on before to sound the terrain. (seeing Albert) There, I take it, is our man. I must dissemble.
Albert What are you doing here, by yourself and before my door?
Scratch Good day, sir.
Albert (sourly) Good day.
Scratch I--are you well?
Albert (grumpily) Yes.
Scratch Truly, that rejoices my heart.
Albert Rejoice or not rejoice--what brings you here? And who are you?
Scratch I would find it hard to say. I have so many jobs that I might call myself a universal man. I have wandered the universe; the world is my country. From lack of income, I lived by industry--as many others do. According to the circumstances, sometimes an honest man, sometimes a confidence man. I served unwillingly in the Navy--and realizing my heart inclined to rapine after having spent eighteen months privateering. I carried a musket in Flanders and Germany; I was wounded in the wars with France.
Albert There are some fine jobs. (aside) From tip to toe, this fellow seems to me to have the air of a rogue. (aloud) What are you doing here? Speak!
Scratch I will retire.
Albert (holding him) No, no, you must speak.
Scratch (aside) I don't know what to say to him.
Albert You seem to me to have the air of one of those rogues who prowl around to rob houses at night.
Scratch You don't know me, sir. I have other things on my mind. While Fortune prevents me from having wealth, it has given me marvelous secrets for curing ills. I amuse myself by seeking medicinal herbs around here.
Albert (surprised) Medicinal herbs?
Scratch Yes, sir. All my life, I've made a profession of chemistry. As sure as you see me, there are no diseases I cannot cure--stone, coughs, vertigo, hysteria, heart disease, cancer. I've even been accused of using magic. The only thing I lack is a degree to make me the happiest physician living.
Albert Your clothes are not those of a physician.
Scratch Clothes don't make the science. And if I were not reduced to be a valet, and if I had not had a fight with the squire of my parish-- (mysteriously) But, one day you will see innocence triumph.
Albert You say you have--?
Scratch See the slander! One day, finding myself on a long journey, traveling third class, and twilight falling--I saw a certain coach stuck in the mud in a ditch, and a man in need of help. So I approached. And, to ease the weight which oppressed him (the coach was on top of him), I removed the packages he was carrying. The chief of police got mixed up in it, and held me responsible for the lost packages--for an act of charity! That's why my friends advised me to leave the country.
Albert Always prudent, in cases like that.
Scratch I went to the wars, where I accomplished miracles. The Ardennes saw me withstand enemy fire. And, battling one day against the enemy, one day all by myself--at Milan--I