The Fitz-Boodle Papers | Page 8

lady.
I know, then, that from indulging in that simple habit of smoking, I
have gained among the ladies a dreadful reputation. I see that they look
coolly upon me, and darkly at their husbands when they arrive at home
in my company. Men, I observe, in consequence, ask me to dine much

oftener at the club, or the "Star and Garter" at Richmond, or at
"Lovegrove's," than in their own houses; and with this sort of
arrangement I am fain to acquiesce; for, as I said before, I am of an
easy temper, and can at any rate take my cigar- case out after dinner at
Blackwall, when my lady or the duchess is not by. I know, of course,
the best MEN in town; and as for ladies' society, not having it (for I
will have none of your pseudo-ladies, such as sometimes honor
bachelors' parties,-- actresses, couturieres, opera-dancers, and so
forth)--as for ladies' society, I say, I cry pish! 'tis not worth the trouble
of the complimenting, and the bother of pumps and black silk
stockings.
Let any man remember what ladies' society was when he had an
opportunity of seeing them among themselves, as What-d'ye-call'im
does in the Thesmophoria--(I beg pardon, I was on the verge of a
classical allusion, which I abominate)--I mean at that period of his life
when the intellect is pretty acute, though the body is small--namely,
when a young gentleman is about eleven years of age, dining at his
father's table during the holidays, and is requested by his papa to quit
the dinner-table when the ladies retire from it.
Corbleu! I recollect their whole talk as well as if it had been whispered
but yesterday; and can see, after a long dinner, the yellow summer sun
throwing long shadows over the lawn before the dining-room windows,
and my poor mother and her company of ladies sailing away to the
music-room in old Boodle Hall. The Countess Dawdley was the great
lady in our county, a portly lady who used to love crimson satin in
those days, and birds-of-paradise. She was flaxen-haired, and the
Regent once said she resembled one of King Charles's beauties.
When Sir John Todcaster used to begin his famous story of the
exciseman (I shall not tell it here, for very good reasons), my poor
mother used to turn to Lady Dawdley, and give that mystic signal at
which all females rise from their chairs. Tufthunt, the curate, would
spring from his seat, and be sure to be the first to open the door for the
retreating ladies; and my brother Tom and I, though remaining stoutly
in our places, were speedily ejected from them by the governor's
invariable remark, "Tom and George, if you have had QUITE enough
of wine, you had better go and join your mamma." Yonder she marches,
heaven bless her! through the old oak hall (how long the shadows of

the antlers are on the wainscot, and the armor of Rollo Fitz-Boodle
looks in the sunset as if it were emblazoned with rubies)--yonder she
marches, stately and tall, in her invariable pearl-colored tabbinet,
followed by Lady Dawdley, blazing like a flamingo; next comes Lady
Emily Tufthunt (she was Lady Emily Flintskinner), who will not for all
the world take precedence of rich, vulgar, kind, good-humored Mrs.
COLONEL Grogwater, as she would be called, with a yellow little
husband from Madras, who first taught me to drink sangaree. He was a
new arrival in our county, but paid nobly to the hounds, and occupied
hospitably a house which was always famous for its hospitality--
Sievely Hall (poor Bob Cullender ran through seven thousand a year
before he was thirty years old). Once when I was a lad, Colonel
Grogwater gave me two gold mohurs out of his desk for whist- markers,
and I'm sorry to say I ran up from Eton and sold them both for
seventy-three shillings at a shop in Cornhill. But to return to the ladies,
who are all this while kept waiting in the hall, and to their usual
conversation after dinner.
Can any man forget how miserably flat it was? Five matrons sit on
sofas, and talk in a subdued voice:--
First Lady (mysteriously).--"My dear Lady Dawdley, do tell me about
poor Susan Tuckett."
Second Lady.--"All three children are perfectly well, and I assure you
as fine babies as I ever saw in my life. I made her give them Daffy's
Elixir the first day; and it was the greatest mercy that I had some of
Frederick's baby-clothes by me; for you know I had provided Susan
with sets for one only, and really--"
Third Lady.--"Of course one couldn't; and for my part I think your
ladyship is a great deal too kind to these people. A little gardener's boy