The Fitz-Boodle Papers | Page 7

a custom which,
far from leading a man into any wickedness or dissipation to which
youth is subject, on the contrary, begets only benevolent silence, and
thoughtful good- humored observation--I found at the age of twenty all
my prospects in life destroyed. I cared not for woman in those days: the
calm smoker has a sweet companion in his pipe. I did not drink
immoderately of wine; for though a friend to trifling potations, to
excessively strong drinks tobacco is abhorrent. I never thought of
gambling, for the lover of the pipe has no need of such excitement; but
I was considered a monster of dissipation in my family, and bade fair to
come to ruin.
"Look at George," my mother-in-law said to the genteel and correct
young Flintskinners. "He entered the world with every prospect in life,
and see in what an abyss of degradation his fatal habits have plunged
him! At school he was flogged and disgraced, he was disgraced and
rusticated at the university, he was disgraced and expelled from the
army! He might have had the living of Boodle" (her ladyship gave it to
one of her nephews), "but he would not take his degree; his papa would
have purchased him a troop--nay, a lieutenant-colonelcy some day, but
for his fatal excesses. And now as long as my dear husband will listen
to the voice of a wife who adores him--never, never shall he spend a
shilling upon so worthless a young man. He has a small income from
his mother (I cannot but think that the first Lady Fitz-Boodle was a
weak and misguided person); let him live upon his mean pittance as he
can, and I heartily pray we may not hear of him in gaol!"
My brother, after he came to the estate, married the ninth daughter of
our neighbor, Sir John Spreadeagle; and Boodle Hall has seen a new
little Fitz-Boodle with every succeeding spring. The dowager retired to
Scotland with a large jointure and a wondrous heap of savings. Lady
Fitz is a good creature, but she thinks me something diabolical,
trembles when she sees me, and gathers all her children about her,
rushes into the nursery whenever I pay that little seminary a visit, and
actually slapped poor little Frank's ears one day when I was teaching
him to ride upon the back of a Newfoundland dog.
"George," said my brother to me the last time I paid him a visit at the
old hall, "don't be angry, my dear fellow, but Maria is in a-- hum--in a

delicate situation, expecting her--hum"--(the eleventh)-- "and do you
know you frighten her? It was but yesterday you met her in the
rookery--you were smoking that enormous German pipe--and when she
came in she had an hysterical seizure, and Drench says that in her
situation it's dangerous. And I say, George, if you go to town you'll find
a couple of hundred at your banker's." And with this the poor fellow
shook me by the hand, and called for a fresh bottle of claret.
Afterwards he told me, with many hesitations, that my room at Boodle
Hall had been made into a second nursery. I see my sister- in-law in
London twice or thrice in the season, and the little people, who have
almost forgotten to call me uncle George.
It's hard, too, for I am a lonely man after all, and my heart yearns to
them. The other day I smuggled a couple of them into my chambers,
and had a little feast of cream and strawberries to welcome them. But it
had like to have cost the nursery-maid (a Swiss girl that Fitz-Boodle
hired somewhere in his travels) her place. My step-mamma, who
happened to be in town, came flying down in her chariot, pounced upon
the poor thing and the children in the midst of the entertainment; and
when I asked her, with rather a bad grace to be sure, to take a chair and
a share of the feast--
"Mr. Fitz-Boodle," said she, "I am not accustomed to sit down in a
place that smells of tobacco like an ale-house--an ale-house inhabited
by a SERPENT, sir! A SERPENT!--do you understand me?-- who
carries his poison into his brother's own house, and purshues his
eenfamous designs before his brother's own children. Put on Miss
Maria's bonnet this instant. Mamsell, ontondy-voo? Metty le bonny a
mamsell. And I shall take care, Mamsell, that you return to Switzerland
to-morrow. I've no doubt you are a relation of Courvoisier--oui! oui!
courvoisier, vous comprenny--and you shall certainly be sent back to
your friends."
With this speech, and with the children and their maid sobbing before
her, my lady retired; but for once my sister-in-law was on my side, not
liking the meddlement of the elder