The Fine Ladys Airs | Page 8

Knapsack, are you for a Dish of _Bohee_: My Master has
been just drinking, and the Water boils-- [_Goes out, and returns with a
Tea-Table._
_Knap._ Not to incommode you about it, Mr. Shrimp.
_Shr._ Well, Mr. Knapsack, we brave Britains conquer all before us:
Why you have done Wonders this Campaign.
_Knap._ Ay, Mr. Shrimp, the Name of an English General
Thunder-strikes the French, as much as it invigorates the Allies; for
when he comes, he cuts you off Ten or Twenty thousand, with the same
Ease as a Countryman wou'd mow down an Acre of Corn; tho', after all,
I was in some pain for our Forces, not being able to do 'em any
personal Service; for you must know, Mr. Shrimp, I am mightily
subject to Convulsions, and just before ev'ry Engagement I was
unluckily seiz'd with so violent a Fit, they were forc'd to carry me back
to the next wall'd Town.
_Shr._ Are you for much Sugar in your Tea, Sir?
_Knap._ As much as you please, Sir.
_Shr._ Have you made many Campaigns, Mr. _Knapsack_?

_Knap._ This was the first, Mr. Shrimp, and I'm not positive that I shall
ever make another; for next Summer, I believe, some Business of
moment will confine me to this Kingdom--Pray, Mr. Shrimp, why don't
you exert your self in the Service; the Gentlemen of the Army wou'd be
glad of so sprightly an Officer as you among 'em.
_Shr._ O dear, Mr. Knapsack, I'm of so unfortunate a Stature, they'd
trample me under their Feet; besides, I have no Genius to Fighting; I
cou'd like a Commission in a Beau-Regiment, that always stays at
home, because a Scarlet-Lac'd-Suit, a Sash and Feather command
Respect, keep off Creditors, and make the Ladies fly into our Arms.
_Knap._ Ay, Mr. Shrimp, I don't doubt but you have good store of
Mistresses. Why you look a little thin upon the matter, ha!
_Shr._ No, no, Mr. Knapsack, I'm as moderate at that Sport, as any
Man; I must own, when a pretty Lady comes betimes in a Morning to
my Master, and he, poor Gentleman, is in a dead Sleep with hard
Drinking, I do now and then take her into the next Room, play the Fool
with her a little till my Master wakes, then give her a Dram of
Surfeit-Water, and put her to Bed to him, now there's Safety in such an
Amour, for my Master hasn't his Mistresses from a profess'd Baud; I
have found him out a conscientious old Gentlewoman, that's one of the
sober Party, and acquainted with most Citizens Daughters, that have as
much Inclination to turn Whores as a Chamber-Maid out of Place, and
the old Lady is so passionately fond of my Master, because he was
once so charitable to do her the Favour, she sends him the choicest of
all her Ware--but to pick up a dirty Drab in the Eighteen-penny-Gallery,
with a rusty black Top-knot, a little Flower in her Hair, a turn'd Smock,
and no Stockings, the Jade wou'd poyson you like
Eighteen-penny-Wine.
_Knap._ I find, Mr. Shrimp, you Gentlemens Gentlemen have all your
Cues.
_Shr._ Ah! Mr. Knapsack, there's more goes to the finishing of a true
Valet, than tying a Wig smartly, or answering a Dun genteely. I have
sometimes such weighty Matters warring in my Brains, and a greater

Conflict with my self how I shall manage 'em, than a Merchant's
Cash-keeper, that's run away with two thousand Pounds, and can't
resolve whether he shall trust the Government with it, or put it into the
East India Company--I only wish it were my Fate to serve some
Statesman in Business; for Pimping often tosses a Man into a Place of
three hundred a Year, when Mony shall be refus'd, Merit repuls'd, and
Relations thought impudent for pretending to't.--But, I believe, Mr.
Knapsack, our Hour's elaps'd, for tho' our Masters may n't want us, we
that are at Board-wages love to smell out where they dine.
_Knap._ The Motion, Mr. Shrimp, is admirable, for really the Tea
begins to rake my Guts confoundedly. [_Exeunt._

SCENE Changes to Lady Rodomont's.
Enter Lady Rodomont, _and Mrs._ Lovejoy, _follow'd by a Servant._
_Ser._ Madam, the Mercer, the Manto-Maker, the Sempstress, the
India-Woman, and the Toy-Man attend your Ladiship without.
L. _Rod._ Admit 'em,--this Grandeur, Cozen, which those o' Quality
assume above the Populace, to have obsequious Mechanicks wait our
Levee in a Morning, is not disagreeable; then they are as constant as
our Menials, and the less Mony one pays 'em, the more constantly they
attend.
Mrs. _Lov._ Those Ladies, Madam, that want Mony to pay 'em, wou'd
gladly excuse their Attendance.
L. _Rod._ Cozen, 'tis Ill-breeding to suppose People o' Quality want
Mony, they have Business, Visits, Company, and