The Diary of a Nobody | Page 9

for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the
cabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a
moment I was stunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the
drawing-room and on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that
my chin was bleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my
left trouser torn at the knee.
However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed
in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and
Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o'clock Carrie
swept into the room, looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look
so lovely, or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of
sky-blue--my favourite colour--and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James
lent her, round the shoulders, to give a finish. I thought perhaps the
dress was a little too long behind, and decidedly too short in front, but
Mrs. James said it was a la mode. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent
Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was
priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle--a bird now
extinct. I preferred the little white fan which Carrie bought for
three-and- six at Shoolbred's, but both ladies sat on me at once.
We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate,
for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciously
condescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I was
disappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.
I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did
not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never

forget the grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a
little annoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: "Isn't it a pity we don't
know anybody?"
Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like Franching,
from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by
the coat-tails, and said quite loudly: "Don't leave me," which caused an
elderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and two
ladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in the
supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper--any amount of
champagne.
Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for I
sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did not
taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slap on
the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our
ironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: "This is better than
Brickfield Terrace, eh?" I simply looked at him, and said coolly: "I
never expected to see you here." He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: "I
like that--if YOU, why not ME?" I replied: "Certainly," I wish I could
have thought of something better to say. He said: "Can I get your good
lady anything?" Carrie said: "No, I thank you," for which I was pleased.
I said, by way of reproof to him: "You never sent to-day to paint the
bath, as I requested." Farmerson said: "Pardon me, Mr. Pooter, no shop
when we're in company, please."
Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Court
costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old
friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished.
For full five minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood
digging each other in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn't
look a day older. They began embracing each other and drinking
champagne.
To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member
of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson
seized me rather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said:
"Let me introduce my neighbour, Pooter." He did not even say

"Mister." The sheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, after all,
it was a great honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him
so. We stood chatting for some time, and at last I said: "You must
excuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter." When I approached her, she said:
"Don't let me take you away from friends. I am quite happy standing
here alone in a crowd, knowing nobody!"
As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor the
place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and