The Diary of a Nobody | Page 4

me, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar,
one that his friend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The
cigar didn't look green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had
smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of
telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.
I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need of
fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered me
another cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usual
sniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: "You're not going to complain of
the smell of paint again?" He said: "No, not this time; but I'll tell you
what, I distinctly smell dry rot." I don't often make jokes, but I replied:
"You're talking a lot of DRY ROT yourself." I could not help roaring at
this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I never was so
immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. I actually woke
up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.
April 13.--An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman
to make some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to
prevent the sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman,
and recognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old
aunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.
April 14.--Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having this
morning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in
good condition, on GARDENING. I procured and sowed some
half-hardy annuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I
thought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I
thought. I said: "I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house."
She replied: "How do you mean?" I said: "Look at the BOARDERS."
Carrie said: "Is that all you wanted me for?" I said: "Any other time
you would have laughed at my little pleasantry." Carrie said:
"Certainly--AT ANY OTHER TIME, but not when I am busy in the
house." The stairs looked very nice. Gowing called, and said the stairs
looked ALL RIGHT, but it made the banisters look ALL WRONG, and
suggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreed with.
I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out, so I had a good

excuse to let the banisters slide. By-the-by, that is rather funny.
April 15, Sunday.--At three o'clock Cummings and Gowing called for a
good long walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a
friend named Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except
Stillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at the ground
and cutting at the grass with his stick.
As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowing
suggested that we should make for "The Cow and Hedge" and get some
tea. Stillbrook said: "A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him." I
reminded them that all public-houses were closed till six o'clock.
Stillbrook said, "That's all right--bona-fide travellers."
We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gate
said: "Where from?" I replied: "Holloway." He immediately put up his
arm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I
saw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for
the entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at
their expense, I heard the porter say: "Where from?" When, to my
surprise, in fact disgust, Stillbrook replied: "Blackheath," and the three
were immediately admitted.
Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: "We shan't be a minute."
I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they
were all in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort
to apologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: "It was very rough on
you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.'s." I
walked home in silence; I couldn't speak to them. I felt very dull all the
evening, but deemed it advisable NOT to say anything to Carrie about
the matter.
April 16.--After business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark I
wrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder;
perhaps they were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday's adventure
at "The Cow and Hedge." Afterwards made up my mind not to write
YET.

April 17.--Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and
Cummings about last Sunday, and warning them