The Devils Dictionary | Page 9

his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a
high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he
replied, "for I can give you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of
that?" inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to eat, as well as those
that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic
in color, and ill- smelling.

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.
BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations,
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to
get all that he can.
A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of
these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the
lives of His creatures.
Henry Ward Beecher
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed
by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other
nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and
destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and
learned men who are never naughty.
O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so
calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely -- You're the First Person Singular,
surely.
Polydore Smith
BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes
the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A
man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly
such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization,
and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is
rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse,
two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- grave and four parts clarified Satan.
Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.
Only a hero will venture to drink it.
BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

C

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham,

and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.
CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's
head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne
issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his
predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's
measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several
members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were
appeased.
CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs
of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to
ourselves, and good fortune to others.
CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When
Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved.
"What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true,"
replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."
CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.
CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business.
There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter
that is always exhibited.
CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and
adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.
CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the
dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that
himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the
justice and