The Devils Dictionary | Page 6

Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its
unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism.
"The Mad Philosopher," 1697
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the
creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh
turtle.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave
worm's provider.
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That
friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health, Whose
gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
G.J.
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.
APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the
labor question.
APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.
APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon and flounders and
smelts; On other days everything else.
Jodo Rem
ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his
record.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so
is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts -- guilty of
education and suspected of bank accounts.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a
lamppost.
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
The Unauthorized Version
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in
turn.
"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis better you should eat it,
pet, Than put it in my teacup."
Joel Huck
ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious
Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.
One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And
said it was a god's name! Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And
mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To
serve his temple and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed,
the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, And, inly
edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) Have sweeter values
and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, Bring cates and wines
for sacrificial feasts, And sell their garments to support the priests.
ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and
severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid
simplicity of his young.
ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had
the temptation and opportunity to commit.
ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is
called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The
animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age
and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate.
Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De
Temperamente_) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the

Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two
animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that
carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small
distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of
great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which
clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less
Asinine.
"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
G.J.
AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked