The Cyberpunk Fak | Page 6

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Cyberpunk is extremely hip. Being extremely hip is the last hope for people with no money and no power. Being hip gets you big wins in the status game. Hipness can crush your?enemies and attract the apposite sex. Best of all, cyberpunk is the next big thing AFTER the next big thing. You can hop on the cyberpunk bandwagon and coast for a long, long time. Think of the money you'll save on wardrobe updates! The?worry you'll save on lifestyle decisions!
Cyberpunk has not yet been co-opted. In fact, this handbook is the very first exploitation of this hip new underground?trend. This is the ground floor. Get in on it!

Chapter 2: ACHIEVING CYBERPUNK
Being It or Faking It

What is there to know about being a cyberpunk? Leather?jacket, mirrorshades-- that just about does it, right? This kind of patronizing shirt must farking DIE.*
*Since we can't afford to offend any parental units who might *purchase this book for their family circle, all chancy verbs *and nouns have been cleverly encyphered. This is in the?*spirit of true cyberpunkhood, see <>.
You think cyberpunk is just a leather jacket, some chrome?studs, and fully reflective sunglasses? You think that's all there is? Hah! You can find those on Kansas City bikers and the whole California Highway Patrol. The true cyberpunk?might tuck a *cellular-modem laptop* under a spiked leather arm, and a *laser pointer* in the upper zip pocket. Or, a true cyberpunk may look just like YOU. But sHe** who knows?doesn't tell, and **hirm who tells doesn't know.
**Pronoun disclaimer:?**All pronouns in this book started life as intact males--?**he, his, and him. If anything bad happened to them?**afterwards, blame it on the Riot Grrrls Bobbitt Squad.
The lifestyle and goals of the true cyberpunk are carefully guarded secrets in a life *totally devoted* to coolness and secrecy. We will PIERCE THE VEIL, and REVEAL those SECRETS. We will display for you the INNER CYBERPUNK. We will give?you everything you need to know about embarking on this?challenging lifestyle. When you have read to the end of this EASY handbook, if you DON'T pass the hipness quiz... well,?just read it again. But turn your TV up louder.

Chapter 3: A STYLE GUIDE TO THE CYBERTYPES
Recognizing Them and Fitting In

While a cyberpunk is commonly a middleclass white male with way too many electrons, there are varieties of cyberpunk. Underlying all the types and genres is Basic Cyber Style, which breaks down to physical gear and mental attitude:
--->Basic Cyberpunk Gear?is simple. Black leather jacket. Boots. Mirrorshades. Laser pointer. (We don't know why all cyberpunks need a laser pointer, but it's mandatory.) We'll give you a more elaborate guide to basic cyberpunk gear. Later.
--->The Basic Cyberpunk Attitude?is quiet assurance. Subdued swashbuckling. Maybe a little menace.
With these cyberpunk basics you can navigate through all the sub-genres. But if you want to pass as a native in a particular cyber sub-scene without getting jeered at or beaten up, you gotta accessorize, and pay close attention to detail.
>>>>Motorpsycho Maniacs?Cyberbikers pack the mystique of both worlds-- high tech, and big greasy loud engines. Standard cyberpunk costume is ideal for riding motorcycles, and a mirrorshades helmet is a big plus for the cyber look-- mega robotic coolness. Motorcycles are dangerous and can kill you. This is also cool.
>>>>Goths, Deathcore, and Vampire-Wannabes?Ideally, for this sub-scene, you should know about The Cure, which is a band. To fit in, grow your hair big and dye it?blueblack. Spray it with <> to make it stick out, medusa-like. Go to a kidshop and buy plastic fangs.?(The kind that glow in the dark are funny. Funny is NOT the object here.) All sexes should wear a Victorian shirt--?blouse-- white or black only--- that gapes to show flesh. You must practice looking tormented, tall and thin. The ideal is chalk-white face makeup with blueblack eyesockets. Blueblack makeup with white eyesockets is untested, but might work very well, if you avoid a minstrel look. At all times think?intensity and torment. Torment...and ironic bitterness. No giggling or snickering, no kidding.
>>>>Riot Grrrls!?These are fierce girls who like tech. This is a sexist?category, but there we are: girls only. A grrrl can be?called "d00d" and "guy" at all times, but a non-female guy?is not a grrrl. This is just the way things are.?If you're a grrrl, you can wear anything you want to,?because you're there to defend it. This is true for anybody, really-- look as tough as you wanta be, and be ready to back it up. Fierce is good. Grrrls with tech expertise are?irresistible. NOTHING is more attractive than a fierce,?blazing, ninja-type grrrl right now, and if she knows UNIX?or phone-freeking, the world is hers. Hrrrs.
>>>>Technopagans/Ravers/Neohippies?Don't worry about this one. This scene is free, loving,?noncomforming, spontaneous. You can dress any old way?and fit right in...?Unless you don't look cool.
Maybe you should stick to basic cyberpunk. Dancing in?leather