The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 5 | Page 6

way of gettin' my pay. Ten years ago these close would no doubt have

been fash'n'ble, and perhaps they would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens.
But now they're diff'rently. The taler said he know'd they was all right,
because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about
London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood. But as the ballud
says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a new soot of black close and white
kid gloves sing t'other night), Never don't let us Despise a Man because
he wears a Raggid Coat! I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we
gen'rally get out of his way pretty rapid; prob'ly on account of the pity
which tears our boosums for his onhappy condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them blotid peple
who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my meanin' to you. I
frekently have to explain the meanin' of my remarks. I know one
man--and he's a man of varid 'complishments --who often reads my
articles over 20 times afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our
skoolmaster to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife
says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin' practycal
woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a
recklis falshood that she henpecks me, and the young man in our
neighborhood who said to me one evenin', as I was mistenin' my
diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun--who said to me in
these very langwidge, "Go home, old man, onless you desires to have
another teapot throwd at you by B.J.," probly regrets havin said so.
I said, "Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I permits
no person to alood to her as B.J. outside of the family circle, of which I
am it principally myself. Your other observations I scorn and disgust,
and I must pollish you off."
He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he enquired
if I wanted to be ground to powder? I said, Yes: if there was a
Powder-grindist handy, nothin would 'ford me greater pleasure, when
he struck me a painful blow into my right eye, causin' me to make a
rapid retreat into the fireplace. I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so
well organized. But I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris style
for my time of life. His parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15
minits had only elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a
shutter. His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after
keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said:
"My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a

Trashin Masheen. You went in at the place where they put the grain in,
cum out with the straw, and you got up into the thingamyjig, and let the
horses tred on you, didn't you, my son?"
The pen of no liven Orthur could describe that disfortnit young man's
sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and I went and
nussed him till he got well. His reg'lar original father being absent to
the war, I told him I'd be a father to him myself. He smilt a sickly smile,
and said I'd already been wus than two fathers to him.
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allus avided, excep in extreem
cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right cheek I'll turn
my left to him, prob'ly; but if he insinooates that my gran'mother wasn't
all right, I'll punch his hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin,
and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to
scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessively tickled when
he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has thus far been the
case--my only sorrer bein' that t'other feller wasn't scooped likewise.
It's diff'rently with scullin boats, which is a manly sport, and I can only
explain Mr. Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he
wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be entirely
satisfact'ry to all.
As I remarked afore, I'm gettin' on well. I'm aware that I'm in the great
metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make me onhappy to admit the
fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That's all that ails HIM. I know
there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and
that: I know one man who says it is a shame and a disgrace that