The Complete Works of Artemus Ward, part 5 | Page 5

audience that he was the most feroshos Cannibal of his tribe,
and that, alone and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow
countrymen, and that he had at one time even contemplated eatin his
Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other near and dear
relatives,--when I was makin' these simple statements the mis'ble
young man said I was a lyer, and knockt me off the platform. Not quite
satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevly on me, and as he was a very
muscular person and wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a
canary bird wasn't walkin' over me.
I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns, and I've been
very careful ever since to deal square with the public. If I was the
public I should insist on squareness, tho' I shouldn't do as a portion of
my audience did on the occasion jest mentioned, which they was
employed in sum naberin' coal mines.
"As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old man," said one
of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em--a tall dis'greeble
skoundril--"as you seem to be out of Cannybals, we'll sorter look round
here and fix things. Them wax figgers of yours want washin'. There's
Napoleon Bonyparte and Julius Caesar--they must have a bath," with
which coarse and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop of the
western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin companyins,
he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let my wild bears loose to
pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agricultooral community.
Leavin Liverpool (I'm goin' back there, tho--I want to see the Docks,
which I heard spoken of at least once while I was there) I cum to
London in a 1st class car, passin' the time very agreeable in discussin,
with a countryman of mine, the celebrated Schleswig-Holstein question.
We took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from the
time it commenced being so, down to the present day, when my
countryman, at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he
didn't know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I did. I

told him that I did not. He's at Ramsgate now, and I am to write him
when I feel like givin him two days in which to discuss the question of
negro slavery in America. But now I do not feel like it.
London at last, and I'm stoppin at the Greenlion tavern. I like the
lan'lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few triflin errers in
regard to America--he was under the impression, for instance, that we
et hay over there, and had horns growin out of the back part of our
heads--but his chops and beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must
cum and see me and bring the boys. I'm told that Garrick used to cum
here, but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns. I've had
over 500 public-houses pinted out to me where Garrick went. I was
indooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Britons, to visit sum 25
public-houses, and they confidentially told me that Garrick used to go
to each one of 'em. Also, Dr. Johnson. This won't do, you know.
May be I've rambled a bit in this communycation. I'll try and be more
collected in my next, and meanwhile, b'lieve me,
Trooly Yours, Artemus Ward.
5.2. PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS.
You'll be glad to learn that I've made a good impression onto the mind
of the lan'lord of the Green Lion tavern. He made a speech about me
last night. Risin' in the bar he spoke as follers, there bein over 20
individooals present:
"This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks,
yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my fam'ly. He
hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any kind. ("Hear, hear.") I
find I can trust him with lited candles. He eats his wittles with a knife
and a fork. People of this kind should be encurridged. I purpose 'is
'elth!" ("Loud 'plaws.")
What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope that the
Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more closely together?
The lan'lord said my speech was full of orig'nality, but his idee was the
old stage coach was more safer, and he tho't peple would indors that
opinyin in doo time.
I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in London. I see now, however, that I
made a mistake in orderin' my close afore I left home. The trooth is the
taler in our little villige owed me for a pig and I didn't see any other