The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces | Page 5

be an awful grind on you if this ever became known.
Bob can fix it up in two minutes with the captain, and Mrs. Bradley can
come right back with him. Besides, he can get there in five minutes on
his wheel. It will take you twenty on the cars.
Yardsley. Precisely. Meanwhile, Brad, you'd better learn to ride the
wheel, so that Mrs. B. won't have to ride alone. This ought to be a
lesson to you.
Perkins. Bully idea (rubbing his ankle). You can use my wheel to-
night--I--I think I've had enough for the present. (Aside.) The
pavements aren't soft enough for me; and, O Lord! what a stony curb
that was!
Bradley. I never thought I'd get so low.
Yardsley. Well, it seems to me that a man with a wife in jail needn't be

too stuck up to ride a bicycle. But--by-by--I'm off. [Exit.
Mrs. Perkins. Poor Emma--out for freedom, and lands in jail. What
horrid things policemen are, to arrest a woman!
Bradley (indignantly). Served her right! If women won't obey the law
they ought to be arrested, the same as men. If she wasn't my wife, I'd
like to see her sent up for ten years or even twenty years. Women have
got no business--
Barlow. Don't get mad, Brad. If you knew the fascination of the wheel
you wouldn't blame her a bit.
Bradley (calming down). Well--I suppose it has some fascination.
Perkins (anxious to escape further lessons). Oh, indeed, it's a most
exhilarating sensation: you seem to be flying like a bird over the
high-ways. Try it, Ned. Go on, right away. You don't know how that
little ride I had braced me up.
Barlow (wish a laugh). There! Hear that! There's a man who's ridden
only eight inches in all his life--and he says he felt like a bird!
Perkins (aside). Yes--like a spring chicken split open for broiling. Next
time I ride a wheel it'll be four wheels, with a horse fastened in front.
Oh my! oh my! I believe I've broken my back too. [Lies down.
Bradley. You seem to be exhilarated, Thaddeus.
Perkins (bracing up). Oh, I am, I am. Never felt worse--that is, better.
Barlow. Come on, Brad. I'll show you the trick in two jiffies-- it'll
relieve your worry about madam, too.
Bradley. Very well--I suppose there's no way out of it. Only let me
know as soon as Emma arrives, will you?
Mrs. Perkins. Yes--we will.

[They go out. As they disappear through the door Thaddeus groans
aloud.
Mrs. Perkins. Why--what is the matter, dear? Are you hurt?
Perkins. Oh no--not at all, my love. I was only thinking of Mr. Jarley's
indignation to-morrow when he sees the hole I made in his curb-stone
with my ankle--oh!--ow!--and as for my back, while I don't think the
whole spine is gone, I shouldn't be surprised if it had come through in
sections.
Mrs. Perkins. Why, you poor thing--why didn't you say--
Perkins (savagely). Why didn't I say? My heavens, Bess, what did you
think I wanted the Pond's Extract for--to drink, or to water the street
with? O Lord! (holding up his arm). There aren't any ribs sticking out,
are there?
Barlow (outside). The other way--there--that's it--you've got it.
Bradley (outside). Why, it is easy, isn't it?
Perkins (scornfully). Easy! That fellow'd find comfort in--
Barlow (outside). Now you're off--not too fast.
Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). Why, Thaddeus, he's going like the
wind down the street!
Perkins. Heaven help him when he comes to the river!
Barlow (rushing in). Here we are in trouble again. Brad's gone off on
my wheel. Bob's taken his, and your tire's punctured. He doesn't know
the first thing about turning or stopping, and I can't run fast enough to
catch him. One member of the family is in jail--the other on a runaway
wheel!
[Yardsley appears at door. Assumes attitude of butler announcing
guest.

Yardsley. Missus Willerby 'Awkins!
Enter Mrs. Bradley, hysterical.
Mrs. Bradley. Oh, Edward!
[Throws herself into Barlow's arms.
Barlow (quietly). Excuse me--ah--Mrs. Hawkins--ah--Bradley--but I'm
not--I'm not your husband.
Mrs. Bradley (looking up, tragically). Where's Edward?
Mrs. Perkins. Sit down, dear--you must be completely worn out.
Mrs. Bradley (in alarm). Where is he?
Perkins (rising and standing on one leg). Fact is, Mrs. Bradley--we
don't know. He disappeared ten minutes ago.
Yardsley. What do you mean?
Mrs. Bradley. Disappeared?
Barlow. Yes. He went east--at the rate of about a mile a minute.
Mrs. Bradley. My husband--went east? Mile a minute?
Perkins. Yes, on a bike. Yardsley, take me by the shawl-strap, will you,
and help me over to that chair; my back hurts so I can't lie down.
Mrs. Bradley. Ned--on a wheel? Why, he can't ride!
Barlow. Oh yes, he can. What I'm afraid of is that he