The Bicyclers and Three Other Farces | Page 4

or
seventy bruises.

Mrs. Perkins (with a faint smile). And the shawl-strap?
Yardsley. I want to fasten it around Teddy's waist, grab hold of the
handle, and so hold him up. He's all right, so don't you worry. (Exit
Mrs. Perkins in search of shawl-strap.) Guess I'd better not say
anything about the Pond's Extract he told me to bring--doesn't need it,
anyhow. Man's got to get used to leaving pieces of his ankle-bone on
the curb-stone if he wants to learn to ride a wheel. Only worry her if I
asked her for it--won't hurt him to suffer a week.
Enter Bradley.
Bradley. Has she come yet?
Yardsley. No--just gone up-stairs for a shawl-strap.
Bradley. Shawl-strap? Who?
Perkins (outside). Hurry up with that Pond's Extract, will you?
Yardsley. All right--coming. Who? Who what?
Bradley. Who has gone up-stairs after shawl-strap--my wife?
Yardsley. No, no, no. Hasn't she got here yet? It's Mrs. Perkins. Perk
fell off just now and broke in two. We want to fasten him together.
Barlow (outside). Bring out that pump. His wheel's flabby.
Enter Mrs. Perkins with shawl-strap.
Mrs. Perkins. Here it is. What did I hear about Pond's Extract? Didn't
somebody call for it?
Yardsley. No--oh no--not a bit of it! What you heard was shawl-
strap--sounds like extract--very much like it. In fact--
Bradley. But you did say you wanted--

Yardsley (aside to Bradley). Shut up! Thaddeus banged his ankle, but
he'll get over it in a minute. She'd only worry. The best bicyclers in the
world are all the time falling off, taking headers, and banging their
ankles.
Bradley. Poor Emma!
Enter Barlow.
Barlow. Where the deuce is that Ex--
Yardsley (grasping him by the arm and pushing him out). Here it is;
this is the ex-strap, just what we wanted. (Aside to Bradley.) Go down
to the drug-store and get a bottle of Pond's, will you? [Exit.
Mrs. Perkins (walking to window). She can't be long in coming now.
Bradley. I guess I'll go out to the corner again. (Aside.) Best bicyclers
always smashing ankles, falling off, taking headers! If I ever get hold
of Emma again, I'll see whether she'll ride that-- [Rushes out.
Mrs. Perkins. It seems to have made these men crazy. I never saw such
strange behavior in all my life. (The telephone-bell rings.) What can
that be? (Goes to 'phone, which stands just outside parlor door.) Hello!
What? Yes, this is 1181--yes. Who are you? What? Emma? Oh dear,
I'm so glad! Are you alive? Where are you? What? _Where_? _The
police-station_! (Turning from telephone.) Thaddeus, Mr. Barlow, Mr.
Yardsley. (Into telephone.) Hello! What for? What? Riding without a
lamp! Arrested at Forty-second Street! Want to be bailed out? (Drops
receiver. Rushes into parlor and throws herself on sofa.) To think of
it--Emma Bradley! (Telephone-bell rings violently again; Mrs. Perkins
goes to it.) Hello! Yes. Tell Ed what? To ask for Mrs. Willoughby
Hawkins. Who's she? What, you! (Drops the receiver; runs to window.)
Thaddeus! Mr. Yardsley! Mr. Barlow!--all of you come here, quick.
[They rush in. Perkins with shawl-strap about his waist--limping.
Barlow has large air-pump in his hand. Mrs. Perkins grows faint.

Perkins. Great heavens! What's the matter?
Barlow. Get some water--quick!
[Yardsley runs for water.
Mrs. Perkins. Air! Give me air!
Perkins (grabbing pump from Barlow's hand). Don't stand there like an
idiot! Act! She wants air!
[Places pump on floor and begins to pump air at her.
Barlow. Who's the idiot now? Wheel her over to the window. She's not
a bicycle.
They do so. Mrs. Perkins revives.
Perkins. What is the matter?
Mrs. Perkins. Mrs. Willoughby Hawkins--arrested--Forty-second
Street--no lamp--bailed out. Oh, dear me, dear me! It'll all be in the
papers!
Perkins. What's that got to do with us? Who's Mrs. Willoughby
Hawkins?
Mrs. Perkins. Emma! Assumed name.
Barlow. Good Lord! Mrs. Bradley in jail?
Perkins. This is a nice piece of--ow--my ankle, my ankle!
[Enter Bradley and Yardsley at same time, Bradley with bottle of
Pond's Extract, Yardsley with glass of water.
Bradley. Where the deuce did you fellows go to? I've been wandering
all over the square looking for you.

Perkins. Your wife--
Bradley (dropping bottle). What? What about her--hurt?
Mrs. Perkins. Worse! [Sobs.
Bradley. Killed?
Mrs. Perkins. Worse--l-lol-locked up--in jail--no bail--wants to be
lamped out.
Bradley. Great heavens! Where?--when? What next? Where's my hat?--
what'll the baby say? I must go to her at once.
Yardsley. Hold on, old man. Let me go up. You're too excited. I know
the police captain. You stay here, and I'll run up and fix it with him. If
you go, he'll find out who Mrs. Hawkins is; you'll get mad, and things
will be worse than ever.
Bradley. But--
Barlow. No buts, my dear boy. You just stay where you are. Yardsley's
right. It would