The Autobiography of Madame Guyon | Page 8

I was bad. I relapsed into
my former faults of lying and peevishness. With all these faults I was
very tender and charitable to the poor. I prayed to God assiduously,
loved to hear any one speak of Him and to read good books.
I doubt not that you will be amazed at such a series of inconsistencies;
but what succeeds will surprise you yet more, when you see this
manner of acting gain ground with my years. As my reason ripened, it
was so far from correcting this irrational conduct. Sin grew more
powerful in me.
O my God, thy grace seemed to be redoubled in proportion to the
increase of my ingratitude! It was with me as with a city besieged,
Thou didst surround my heart, and I only studied how to defend myself
against thy attacks. I raised fortifications about the wretched place,
adding every day to the number of my iniquities to prevent Thee taking
it. When there was an appearance of Thy becoming victorious over this
ungrateful heart, I raised a counter-battery, and threw up ramparts to

keep off thy goodness, and to hinder the course of thy grace. None
other could have conquered than Thyself.
I cannot bear to hear it said, "We are not free to resist grace." I have
had too long and fatal an experience of my liberty. I closed up the
avenues of my heart, that I might not so much as hear that secret voice
of God, which was calling me to Himself. I have indeed, from tenderest
youth, passed through a series of grievances, either by maladies or by
persecutions. The girl to whose care my mother left me, in arranging
my hair used to beat me, and did not make me turn it except with rage
and blows.
Everything seemed to punish me, but this instead of making me turn
unto Thee, O my God, only served to afflict and embitter my mind.
My father knew nothing of all this; his love to me was such that he
would not have suffered it. I loved him very much, but at the same time
I feared him, so that I told him nothing of it. My mother was often
teasing him with complaints of me, to which he made no other reply
than, "There are twelve hours in the day; she'll grow wiser." This
rigorous proceeding was not the worst for my soul, though it soured my
temper, which was otherwise mild and easy. But what caused my
greatest hurt was, that I chose to be among those who caressed me, in
order to corrupt and spoil me.
My father, seeing I was now grown tall, placed me in Lent among the
Ursulines, to receive my first communion at Easter, at which time I was
to complete my eleventh year. And here my most dear sister, under
whose inspection my father placed me, redoubled her cares, to cause
me to make the best preparation possible for this act of devotion. I
thought now of giving myself to God in good earnest. I often felt a
combat between my good inclinations and my bad habits. I even did
some penances. As I was almost always with my sister, and as the
boarders in her class, which was the first, were very reasonable and
civil. I became such also, while among them. It had been cruel to
educate me badly; for my very nature was strongly disposed to
goodness. Easily won with mildness, I did with pleasure whatever my
good sister desired. At length Easter arrived; I received the communion

with much joy and devotion. In this house I staid until Whitsuntide. But
as my other sister was mistress of the second class, she demanded that
in her week I should be with her in that class. Her manners, so opposite
to the other's, made me relax my former piety. I felt no more that new
and delightful ardor which had seized my heart at my first communion.
Alas! it held but a short time. My faults and failings were soon
reiterated and drew me from the care and duties of religion.
As I now grew very tall for my age, and more to my mother's liking
than before, she took care to deck and dress me, to make me see
company, and to take me abroad. She took an inordinate pride in that
beauty with which God had formed me, to bless and praise Him.
However it was perverted by me into a source of pride and vanity.
Several suitors came to me; but as I was not yet twelve years my father
would not listen to any proposals. I loved reading and shut myself up
alone every day to read without interruption.
What proved effectual to gain me entirely to