The Autobiography of Madame Guyon | Page 7

my other sister became jealous,
wanting to have me in turn. Though she led a good life, yet she had not
a talent for the education of children. At first she caressed me, but all
her caresses made no impression upon my heart. My other sister did
more with a look, than she with either caresses or threatenings. As she
saw that I loved her not so well, she changed to rigorous treatment. She
would not allow me to speak to my other sister. When she knew I had
spoken to her, she had me whipped, or beat me herself. I could no
longer hold out against severe usage, and therefore requited with
apparent ingratitude all the favors of my paternal sister, going no more
to see her. But this did not hinder her from giving me marks of her
usual goodness, in the severe malady just mentioned. She kindly
construed my ingratitude to be rather owing to my fear of chastisement,

than to a bad heart. Indeed, I believe this was the only instance in
which fear of chastisement operated so powerfully upon me. From that
time I suffered more in occasioning pain to One I loved, than in
suffering myself at their hand.
Thou knowest, O my Beloved, that it was not the dread of Thy
chastisements that sunk so deep, either into my understanding or my
heart; it was the sorrow for offending Thee which ever constituted the
whole of my distress; which was so great. I imagine if there were
neither Heaven nor Hell, I should always have retained the same fear of
displeasing Thee. Thou knowest that after my faults, when, in forgiving
mercy, Thou wert pleased to visit my soul, Thy caresses were a
thousand-fold more insupportable than Thy rod.
My father being informed of all that passed, took me home again. I was
nearly ten years of age. I stayed only a little while at home. A nun of
the order of St. Dominie, of a great family, one of my father's intimate
friends, solicited him to place me in her convent. She was the prioress
and promised she would take care of me and make me lodge in her
room. This lady had conceived a great affection for me. She was so
taken up with her community, in its many troublesome events that she
was not at liberty to take much care of me. I had the chickenpox, which
made me keep to my bed three weeks, in which I had very bad care,
though my father and mother thought I was under excellent care. The
ladies of the house had such a dread of the smallpox, as they imagined
mine to be, that they would not come near me. I passed almost all the
time without seeing anybody. A lay-sister who only brought me my
allowance of diet at the set hours immediately went off again. I
providentially found a Bible and having both a fondness for reading
and a happy memory, I spent whole days in reading it from morning to
night. I learned entirely the historical part. Yet I was really very
unhappy in this house. The other boarders, being large girls, distressed
me with grievous persecutions. I was so much neglected, as to food,
that I became quite emaciated.
CHAPTER 4

After about eight months, my father took me home. My mother kept me
more with her, beginning to have a higher regard for me than before.
She still preferred my brother; every one spoke of it. Even when I was
sick and there was anything I liked, he demanded it. It was taken from
me, and given to him, and he was in perfectly good health. One day he
made me mount the top of the coach; then threw me down. By the fall I
was very much bruised. At other times he beat me. But whatever he did,
however wrong, it was winked at, or the most favorable construction
was put upon it. This soured my temper. I had little disposition to do
good, saying, "I was never the better for it."
It was not then for Thee alone, O God, that I did good; since I ceased to
do it, when it met not with such a reception from others as I wanted.
Had I known how to make a right use of this thy crucifying conduct, I
should have made a good progress. Far from turning me out of the way,
it would have made me turn more wholly to Thee.
I looked with jealous eyes on my brother, seeing the difference between
him and me. Whatever he did was considered well; but if there were
blame, it fell on me. My stepsisters by the mother, gained her goodwill
by caressing him and persecuting me. True,