Swingin Round the Cirkle. | Page 2

out to
them, but wich, owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't.

Halleloogy!
But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I
wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well
enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit,
and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my
existence, preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the
children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz
forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin em.
When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off,
owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich
thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no
longer liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance,
I only steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent
let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv
the oath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all
till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare
knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich
modesty forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary
wind, and by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and
drink a pint uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv
the camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water
inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv
my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains
uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party
wich caused sich havoc, and I hev kept my oath.
I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence
the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little
oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's
Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house
within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic,
the grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but
alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo
Gersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled,
and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle.
There I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism

pursood me thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and
cussid, and went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced
to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit ×
Roads, I feel that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here.
The aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to
exercise a supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They
bleeve they'r rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds,
whenever they git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits
the better uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence
Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously
Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.
Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in
the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis,
with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a distillery
ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite
these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within site uv
my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic nostril,
and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half dozen
niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want?
I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel sale
smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy.
It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed
wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They
reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his history,
and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week.
Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with
much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top
wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv
despondency