Sketches of Young Couples | Page 9

contradiction, I do,' the lady answers; 'and I say again, Edward, that
when I know you are wrong, I will contradict you. I am not your slave.'
'Not my slave!' repeats the gentleman bitterly; 'and you still mean to
say that in the Blackburns' new house there are not more than fourteen
doors, including the door of the wine- cellar!' 'I mean to say,' retorts the
lady, beating time with her hair-brush on the palm of her hand, 'that in

that house there are fourteen doors and no more.' 'Well then--' cries the
gentleman, rising in despair, and pacing the room with rapid strides.
'By G-, this is enough to destroy a man's intellect, and drive him mad!'
By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand
gloomily across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair. There
is a long silence, and this time the lady begins. 'I appealed to Mr.
Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the drawing-room during
tea--' 'Morgan, you mean,' interrupts the gentleman. 'I do not mean
anything of the kind,' answers the lady. 'Now, by all that is aggravating
and impossible to bear,' cries the gentleman, clenching his hands and
looking upwards in agony, 'she is going to insist upon it that Morgan is
Jenkins!' 'Do you take me for a perfect fool?' exclaims the lady; 'do you
suppose I don't know the one from the other? Do you suppose I don't
know that the man in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?' 'Jenkins in a blue
coat!' cries the gentleman with a groan; 'Jenkins in a blue coat! a man
who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!' 'Do you
dare to charge me with telling an untruth?' demands the lady, bursting
into tears. 'I charge you, ma'am,' retorts the gentleman, starting up,
'with being a monster of contradiction, a monster of aggravation,
a--a--a--Jenkins in a blue coat!--what have I done that I should be
doomed to hear such statements!'
Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman takes
up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be fast asleep
when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears, murmuring
lamentations over her hard fate and indistinct intentions of consulting
her brothers, he undergoes the secret torture of hearing her exclaim
between whiles, 'I know there are only fourteen doors in the house, I
know it was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue coat on, and I would say
it as positively as I do now, if they were the last words I had to speak!'
If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not the
less contradictory on that account. Master James and Miss Charlotte
present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect good humour, and
finding their parents in the same amiable state, augur from these
appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other extraordinary

indulgences. But unfortunately Master James, growing talkative upon
such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons is, and whether
she is not six feet high; to which his mamma replies, 'Yes, she should
think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very tall lady indeed; quite a
giantess.' 'For Heaven's sake, Charlotte,' cries her husband, 'do not tell
the child such preposterous nonsense. Six feet high!' 'Well,' replies the
lady, 'surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that
she is six feet high--at least six feet.' 'Now you know, Charlotte,' retorts
the gentleman sternly, 'that that is NOT your opinion--that you have no
such idea--and that you only say this for the sake of contradiction.' 'You
are exceedingly polite,' his wife replies; 'to be wrong about such a
paltry question as anybody's height, would be no great crime; but I say
again, that I believe Mrs. Parsons to be six feet--more than six feet; nay,
I believe you know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not,
because I say she is.' This taunt disposes the gentleman to become
violent, but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a haughty
tone, 'Six feet--ha! ha! Mrs. Parsons six feet!' and the lady answers,
'Yes, six feet. I am sure I am glad you are amused, and I'll say it
again--six feet.' Thus the subject gradually drops off, and the
contradiction begins to be forgotten, when Master James, with some
undefined notion of making himself agreeable, and putting things to
rights again, unfortunately asks his mamma what the moon's made of;
which gives her occasion to say that he had better not ask her, for she is
always wrong and never can be right; that he only exposes her to
contradiction by asking any question of her; and that he had