Signora Fantastic | Page 6

Would you like to be a guard at the back of the stage?
RODOLPHE: No, Miss.
ZEPHERINA: Perhaps you would simply play the bear in The Hunters and the Milkmaid.
RODOLPHE: Miss--
ZEPHERINA: One of my mother's friends has that part; he won't let you have it.
RODOLPHE: Miss. I don't wish to play a thing. Not to play anything at all. Do you understand?
ZEPHERINA: Not possible! What would you do then?
RODOLPHE: What would I do? By Jove, I'd do what I am. Captain Rodolphe Kriegschenmahl.
ZEPHERINA: Now that's fine. My mother is also Signora Fantastici; me--Zepherina Fantastici. But you need to be good for something. My job is that of young female leads. And you sir, would you believe it? I think well enough of you to give you the role of Renaldo in Armida.
LICIDAS: Ah, Zepherina. What are you thinking of? That's mine.
ZEPHERINA: Let me do it, let me do it. It's necessary to attract beginners. The role will revert to you.
RODOLPHE: Renaldo and Armida? What's that? That doesn't relate to someone in our social circle? I don't wish to shock anyone.
ZEPHERINA: No, I assure you, don't worry. But look--try--
RODOLPHE: This child amuses me; I'd really like to act with her.
ZEPHERINA: Take off your big boots.
RODOLPHE: I never take them off. Not even at night.
ZEPHERINA: Still. Take them off.
RODOLPHE: I'd really like to, but I'll get cold in my legs.
ZEPHERINA: Take off your saber.
RODOLPHE: Miss.
ZEPHERINA: You will take it back.
RODOLPHE: Soon! You cannot leave your saber to trifle.
ZEPHERINA: I would like you to shave your mustaches.
RODOLPHE: Ah! that no. For goodness sakes, that's contrary to regulations.
ZEPHERINA: But when I have to put a crown of roses on your head, how's that going to look with mustaches?
RODOLPHE: Oh! That's true; that will go ill. And yet I love roses, after the smell of tobacco, it's the best odor I know of.
ZEPHERINA: Seem to go to sleep.
RODOLPHE: Sometimes I sleep. Often, actually. But I don't seem to be asleep. Must I close my eyes for that?
ZEPHERINA: Yes, without doubt; I am coming to kill you when you are asleep.
RODOLPHE: Then return my saber to me, Miss. For in the end that's not fair.
ZEPHERINA: Your face pleases me. Touch me, and prepared to strike you, I will let the poignard fall.
RODOLPHE: Ah, now that's charming. If my face pleases you, I can kiss you.
ZEPHERINA: Ah, no!
RODOLPHE: So much the worse.
ZEPHERINA: You are waking up.
RODOLPHE: I'm awake.
ZEPHERINA: You rise.
RODOLPHE: Here I am standing.
ZEPHERINA: Ah. Not like that. Your actions must be soft, smooth.
RODOLPHE: But my uniform is so tight that I cannot move my arms except to exercise.
ZEPHERINA: Exercise! How dreadful! Take off your shirt and put on my shawl in its place.
RODOLPHE: Your shawl? What's this signify, little witch?
ZEPHERINA: Obey!
RODOLPHE: Why look at that! She talks to me like my general.
ZEPHERINA: I am that, your general. You belong to us.
RODOLPHE: Me! I am not engaged. I didn't sign my enlistment.
ZEPHERINA: Dance with me. Hold the end of this shawl. Come on--turn.
(Rodolphe dances with Zepherina; Licidas watches them laughing.)
RODOLPHE: Brother, you are laughing. I'm going. (gets wrapped up in the shawl and falls down) Ah, cursed shawl.
(The door opens; Mr. and Mrs. Kriegschenmahl enter with the Commissioner.)
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My son. What a state you are in! Has your brother fought with you?
LICIDAS: No, mother. It's Signora Zepherina who was making him rehearse a lesson in dancing. She was Armida, he was Renaldo.
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My son; I never would have believed this of you.
RODOLPHE: Nor I.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Finally, all this is going to finish.
COMMISSIONER: Yes, yes. Al-All this i-is going to finish.
LICIDAS: Ah, here's Signora Fantastici
(Signora Fantastici enters)
ZEPHERINA: Ah, mother. I'm very glad to see you. There's a terrible problem here.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Is the ending approaching? But it's not sufficiently prepared. My dear Licidas, present me to your father and your mother. I will be charmed to know them.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Me! That will give me very little pleasure.
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: And as for me, Madame, I should have wished that the obscurity of our life would spare us all this uproar.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: I get it. One is of the abrupt type, like you would say of The Beneficent Bear. The roles of the uncle and the tutor. As to the other, the prudes. These are easy roles. But one has a German accent and the other an English accent. Which serves very well, why very well.
LICIDAS: Signora. Content yourself with the sons and don't try to bring the father and the mother. That can't be done.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Who told you it cannot be done? It's only a question of tearing men from their habits. You have to make them feel the interest of a new life and the insipidity of their own. You must awaken their imaginations, and they are ours.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Come on,