Signora Fantastic | Page 7

I never would have
believed this of you.
RODOLPHE: Nor I.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Finally, all this is going to finish.
COMMISSIONER: Yes, yes. Al-All this i-is going to finish.
LICIDAS: Ah, here's Signora Fantastici
(Signora Fantastici enters)
ZEPHERINA: Ah, mother. I'm very glad to see you. There's a terrible
problem here.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Is the ending approaching? But it's not
sufficiently prepared. My dear Licidas, present me to your father and
your mother. I will be charmed to know them.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Me! That will give me very little
pleasure.
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: And as for me, Madame, I
should have wished that the obscurity of our life would spare us all this
uproar.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: I get it. One is of the abrupt type, like you

would say of The Beneficent Bear. The roles of the uncle and the tutor.
As to the other, the prudes. These are easy roles. But one has a German
accent and the other an English accent. Which serves very well, why
very well.
LICIDAS: Signora. Content yourself with the sons and don't try to
bring the father and the mother. That can't be done.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Who told you it cannot be done? It's only a
question of tearing men from their habits. You have to make them feel
the interest of a new life and the insipidity of their own. You must
awaken their imaginations, and they are ours.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Come on, Commissioner, do your
duty.
COMMISSIONER: Madame I, I am re-responsible
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: For what?
COMMISSIONER: To order you--
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: To order me! And you are trembling. That
tone is not used to command.
COMMISSIONER: To leave town immediately.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Me? And by what right, I beg you?
COMMISSIONER: Wha-what right? Am I not the Commissioner of
this suburb?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, but only a judge can grant or refuse a
travel visa. And the judge will do me justice. He loves the arts, he loves
poetry. Beware he doesn't dismiss you for having infringed on his
rights.
COMMISSIONER: It's true wha-what she says, The Signora. It's a sad
thing being a subaltern! I was hoping to be a judge in the last election,

but a cabal p-p-prevented me.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Do you know the cause of your not being
named?
COMMISSIONER: No. But it appeared to me the public was
sh-shocked.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, a very calm shock. But as for me, I
will tell you that it is your difficulty speaking that was the cause of it.
COMMISSIONER: Yes, it's true. I have a-a little trouble speaking. But
my mother told me it would give me dignity.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Your lady mother was surely right. But
stammering is a great handicap in haranguing the public.
COMMISSIONER: And what must I do to correct it?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Act in a play.
COMMISSIONER: Me? Act in a play.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: A role of judge.
COMMISSIONER: A role of judge.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Twice a week. And you'll be judge for 3
hours.
COMMISSIONER: The Municipal Council only meets once a week.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: So you'll be judge twice as long on my
stage than on yours.
COMMISSIONER: Will I be able to wear the same robe?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: The same.

COMMISSIONER: And they'll obey me?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Better than you've obeyed me.
COMMISSIONER: And will there be riots?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: With four lines of blank verse you will calm
them.
COMMISSIONER: Four lines of b-blank verse! Will that imperil the
life of an honest man?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Not at all. Not even that of a bad poet.
COMMISSIONER: Why this is a charming idea! Judge, twice a week.
A beautiful gown, power and no danger. Signora, I am yours.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Pass to this side. You, Captain Rodolphe,
will never quit my daughter.
RODOLPHE: No, surely, Signora: she's my Armida. If I go to Italy
with her I will still be Rinaldo, right?
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, without a doubt. Nevertheless, once in
a while you'll lend yourself to the role of Sacripant. You must be
versatile in social troupes.
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Husband, what's going to
become of us? Our children are leaving us. We'll remain alone with
each other. How sad that is.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Madame de Kriegschenmahl--what
will we say to each other when we are alone?
MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: What we've already said, my
dear spouse.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Ah, I don't know that much. Let's try
to appease Signora Fantastici. (to The Signora) Madame, don't carry off

my two sons, the consolation of my old age.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: That's fair. You must be an excellent father.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Ah. She's beginning to listen to
reason.
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes. A father in a play.
MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: What, Madame!
SIGNORA FANTASTICI: If you like you