School For Scandal | Page 5

behold th'
acknowledged praise
Has spread conviction through the envious train,

And cast a fatal gloom o'er Scandal's reign!
And lo! each pallid hag,
with blister'd tongue,
Mutters assent to all thy zeal has sung--
Owns
all the colours just--the outline true;
Thee my inspirer, and my
MODEL--CREWE!
DRAMATIS PERSONAE<2>
SIR PETER TEAZLE Mr. King
SIR OLIVER SURFACE Mr. Yates

YOUNG SURFACE Mr. Palmer
CHARLES (his Brother) Mr.
Smith
CRABTREE Mr. Parsons
SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE Mr.
Dodd
ROWLEY Mr. Aikin
SPUNGE
MOSES
SNAKE

CARELESS--and other companions to CHARLES
LADY TEAZLE
MARIA
LADY SNEERWELL
MRS.
CANDOUR
MISS VERJUICE
PROLOGUE
WRITTEN BY MR. GARRICK
A school for Scandal! tell me, I beseech you,
Needs there a school
this modish art to teach you?
No need of lessons now, the knowing
think;

We might as well be taught to eat and drink.
Caused by a
dearth of scandal, should the vapours
Distress our fair ones--let them

read the papers;
Their powerful mixtures such disorders hit;
Crave
what you will--there's quantum sufficit.
"Lord!" cries my Lady
Wormwood (who loves tattle,
And puts much salt and pepper in her
prattle),
Just risen at noon, all night at cards when threshing
Strong
tea and scandal--"Bless me, how refreshing!
Give me the papers,
Lisp--how bold and free! [Sips.]
LAST NIGHT LORD L. [Sips]
WAS CAUGHT WITH LADY D.
For aching heads what charming
sal volatile! [Sips.]
IF MRS. B. WILL STILL CONTINUE
FLIRTING,
WE HOPE SHE'LL draw, OR WE'LL undraw THE
CURTAIN.
Fine satire, poz--in public all abuse it,
But, by
ourselves [Sips], our praise we can't refuse it.
Now, Lisp, read
you--there, at that dash and star:"
"Yes, ma'am--A CERTAIN LORD
HAD BEST BEWARE,
WHO LIVES NOT TWENTY MILES
FROM GROSVENOR SQUARE;
FOR, SHOULD HE LADY W.
FIND WILLING,
WORMWOOD IS BITTER"----"Oh! that's me!
the villain!
Throw it behind the fire, and never more
Let that vile
paper come within my door."
Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel
the dart;
To reach our feelings, we ourselves must smart.
Is our
young bard so young, to think that he
Can stop the full spring-tide of
calumny?
Knows he the world so little, and its trade?
Alas! the
devil's sooner raised than laid.
So strong, so swift, the monster there's
no gagging:
Cut Scandal's head off, still the tongue is wagging.

Proud of your smiles once lavishly bestow'd,
Again our young Don
Quixote takes the road;
To show his gratitude he draws his pen,

And seeks his hydra, Scandal, in his den.
For your applause all perils
he would through--
He'll fight--that's write--a cavalliero true,
Till
every drop of blood--that's ink--is spilt for you.
ACT I
SCENE I.--LADY SNEERWELL'S House
LADY SNEERWELL at her dressing table with LAPPET;
MISS
VERJUICE drinking chocolate

LADY SNEERWELL. The Paragraphs you say were all inserted:
VERJUICE. They were Madam--and as I copied them myself in a
feigned Hand there can be no suspicion whence they came.
LADY SNEERWELL. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's
Intrigue with Captain Boastall?
VERJUICE. Madam by this Time Lady Brittle is the Talk of half the
Town--and I doubt not in a week the Men will toast her as a Demirep.
LADY SNEERWELL. What have you done as to the insinuation as to
a certain Baronet's Lady and a certain Cook.
VERJUICE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish. I
told the story yesterday to my own maid with directions to
communicate it directly to my Hairdresser. He I am informed has a
Brother who courts a Milliners' Prentice in Pallmall
whose mistress
has a first cousin whose sister is Feme [Femme] de Chambre to Mrs.
Clackit--so that in the common course of Things it must reach Mrs.
Clackit's Ears within four-and-twenty hours and then you know the
Business is as good as done.
LADY SNEERWELL. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty
Talent-- a great deal of industry--yet--yes--been tolerably successful in
her way--To my knowledge she has been the cause of breaking off six
matches[,] of three sons being disinherited and four Daughters being
turned out of Doors. Of three several Elopements, as many close
confinements--nine separate maintenances and two Divorces.-- nay I
have more than once traced her causing a Tete-a-Tete in the Town and
Country Magazine--when the Parties perhaps had never seen each
other's Faces before in the course of their Lives.
VERJUICE. She certainly has Talents.
LADY SNEERWELL. But her manner is gross.
VERJUICE. 'Tis very true. She generally designs well[,] has a free

tongue and a bold invention--but her colouring is too dark and her
outline often extravagant--She wants that delicacy of Tint--and
mellowness of sneer--which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah you are Partial Verjuice.
VERJUICE. Not in the least--everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell
can do more with a word or a Look than many can with the most
laboured Detail even when they happen to have a little truth on their
side to support it.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes my dear Verjuice. I am no Hypocrite to
deny the satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts. Wounded
myself, in the early part of my Life by the envenomed Tongue of
Slander I confess