Scarborough and the Critic | Page 2

appears full!
Lory. Yes, sir--I made
bold to stuff it with hay, to save appearances, and look like baggage.

_Fash. [Aside_.] What the devil shall I do?--[Aloud.]
Hark'ee, boy,
what's the chaise?
Post. Thirteen shillings, please your honour.

Fash. Can you give me change for a guinea?
Post. Oh, yes, sir.

_Lory. [Aside_.] So, what will he do now?--[Aloud.]
Lord, sir, you
had better let the boy be paid below.
Fash. Why, as you say, Lory, I
believe it will be as well. Lory. Yes, yes, I'll tell them to discharge you
below,
honest friend.
Post. Please your honour, there are the
turnpikes too.
Fash. Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means.
Post. And I
hope your honour will order me something for
myself.
Fash. To be
sure; bid them give you a crown.
Lory. Yes, yes--my master doesn't
care what you charge
them--so get along, you--
Post. And there's
the ostler, your honour.
Lory. Psha! damn the ostler!--would you
impose upon the
gentleman's generosity?--[Pushes him out.] A rascal,
to be so cursed ready with his change!
Fash. Why, faith, Lory, he had
nearly posed me.
Lory. Well, sir, we are arrived at Scarborough, not
worth a guinea! I hope you'll own yourself a happy man--you have

outlived all your cares.
Fash. How so, sir?
Lory. Why, you have
nothing left to take care of.
Fash. Yes, sirrah, I have myself and you
to take care of
still.
Lory. Sir, if you could prevail with somebody
else to do
that for you, I fancy we might both fare the better for it.
But now, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder brother.
Fash.

Damn my eldest brother.
Lory. With all my heart; but get him to
redeem your
annuity, however. Look you, sir; you must wheedle him,
or you must starve.
Fash. Look you, sir; I would neither wheedle him,
nor
starve.
Lory. Why, what will you do, then?
Fash. Cut his
throat, or get someone to do it for me.
Lory. Gad so, sir, I'm glad to
find I was not so well
acquainted with the strength of your conscience
as with the weakness of your purse.
Fash. Why, art thou so
impenetrable a blockhead as to
believe he'll help me with a farthing?

Lory_. Not if you treat him _de haut en bas, as you
used to do.

Fash. Why, how wouldst have me treat him?
Lory. Like a
trout--tickle him.
Fash. I can't flatter.
Lory. Can you starve?
Fash.
Yes.
Lory. I can't. Good by t'ye, sir.
Fash. Stay--thou'lt distract me.
But who comes here? My
old friend, Colonel Townly.
Enter
COLONEL TOWNLY.
My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you
here.
Col. Town. Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure! What, are
you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother's wedding?

Lory. Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should have come with
pleasure.
Col. Town. What, honest Lory, are you with your master

still?
Lory. Yes, sir; I have been starving with him ever since I saw
your honour last.
Fash. Why, Lory is an attached rogue; there's no
getting
rid of him.
Lory. True, sir, as my master says, there's no
seducing me from his service.--[Aside
.] Till he's able to pay me my

wages.
Fash. Go, go, sir, and take care of the baggage.
Lory. Yes,
sir, the baggage!--O Lord! [_Takes up the
portmanteau_.] I suppose,
sir, I must charge the landlord to be very particular where he stows this?

Fash. Get along, you rascal.--[Exit_ LORY with
the portmanteau_.]
But, Colonel, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law?
Col.
Town. Only by character. Her father, Sir Tunbelly
Clumsy, lives
within a quarter of a mile of this place, in a lonely old house, which
nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home;
to prevent all misfortunes, she has her breeding within doors; the
parson of the parish teaches her to play upon the dulcimer, the clerk to
sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance;--in short, nobody has
free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who

has procured your brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation
of Sir Tunbelly's.
Fash. But is her fortune so considerable?
Col.
Town. Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money, independent
of her father, beside.
Fash. 'Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame
Coupler,
could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for
such a prize.
Col. Town. Egad, I wouldn't swear that you are too late--
his lordship, I know, hasn't yet seen the lady--and, I believe, has
quarrelled with his patroness.
Fash. My dear Colonel, what an idea
have you started!
Col. Town. Pursue it, if you can, and I promise you
shall have my assistance; for, besides my natural contempt for his
lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him. Fash.
What, has he been addressing your old flame, the
widow Berinthia?

Col. Town. Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically

circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention;
but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique and partly from
idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the
beauties