Satyricon, vol 2, Trimalchio | Page 5

silver
plate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their whole
fortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knows
the master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so much
in awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghill
without ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!"
CHAPTER THE
THIRTY-EIGHTH.
"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is
produced at home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you
would get it. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality,
he bought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on
the arse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic
honey at home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native
bees by crossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom
seed one day, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass.
Do you see all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with
either purple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look
out how you criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're
all well heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch?
He's worth his 800,000 any day, and lie rose from nothing. Only a short
while ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how
true it is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found a
treasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given
him by a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he
isn't wishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other
day:
CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS PURCHASED A HOUSE

THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER THE KALENDS OF JULY.
"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a
good front, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortune
multiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. I
don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault of his
either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere his
rascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well
how it is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let
business affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under!
Look at the fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to
be an undertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their
shaggy Bides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was
spilled under his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was
like a pipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs
commenced to go wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess
that he was bankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard:
JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT AUCTION HIS
SUPERFLUOUS FURNITURE"
CHAPTER THE
THIRTY-NINTH.
Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course had
been removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a general
conversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine
go down pleasantly," he said, "the fish must have something to swim in.
But I say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you
saw on the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well,
we shouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my
patron rest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No
one can show me anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This
heaven where the gods live, turns into as many different signs, and
sometimes into the Ram: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will
own many flocks and much wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a

sharp horn. A great many school-teachers and rambunctious butters-in
are born under that sign." We applauded the wonderful penetration of
our astrologer and he ran on, "Then the whole heaven turns into a
bull-calf and the kickers and herdsmen and those who see to it that their
own bellies are full, come into the world. Teams of horses and oxen are
born under the Twins, and well-hung wenchers and those who bedung
both sides of the wall. I was born under the Crab and therefore stand on
many legs and own much property on land and sea, for the crab is as
much